isa kang...

tanga,
bobo,
inutil,
mangmang,
stupido,
indio,
row 4,
last section.....


at napakalaking WHATEVER.


napaka-close minded at super immature magpresent ng arguments. kaya nga ang nakakagulat ay hindi yung ano kundi yung may mga nakakapagtiyaga sa iyo. anong mukha kaya ang pinapakita mo sa ibang tao? i really wonder. ayoko namang isipin na birds of the same feathers flock together. hindi ko kasi maisip kapag nagsama-sama lahat ng fuckers sa mundo. i mean suckers. haha.



sorry tlga pero sobrang naiirita tlga ko sa mga pangyayari ngayon. as in. kahit siguro gaano pa katama at kasiya or whatever ang mga pangyayari, baka i-negate ko pa rin ang positive aura na ine-emit nun.


at di lang isang tao yan. grabe. ilan ba sila? tatlo? apat ata. pare-pareho. grabe.





eto ang nangyayari kapag natutulog ako sa bus tapos ang panaginip ko ay tungkol sa NARNIA tapos gigisingin lang ako ng INSPECTOR para tignan ang ticket ko. sasakit ang ulo ko at hindi na ako makakabalik ng tulog at maiisip ko yung mga bagay na nakakairita ngayong araw.


anu-ano ba yun?

well. walang pasok, for one. another, mag-isa akong umuwi (weird kasi sanay na ako dun eh.). siguro dahil akala ko kasabay ko si Gens. i mean may kasabay ako, you know. at yun nga, natutulog ako tapos ginising ako ng inspector. tapos tinatry kong matulog ulit pero di na kaya, at di ko na maalala yung panaginip ko tungkol kay aslan. hay.

nakakainis.

mag-isa kong binagtas ang daan kanina.


talk about friends and companions.

bastusan.



asa naman. ewan ko ba, pag nakakasama ko 'tong certain someone na 'to (kilala mo kung sino ka. hahaha or kayo?) naiisip ko na ang tanga ko nga naman kapag sinasamahan ko si --.


pero kasi...
wala lang...


pakiramdam ko kasi kailangan niya ng someone... at pakiramdam ko rin naman pwede akong maging yung someone na yun though hindi naman talaga ako yung gusto niyang maging someone (at kilala mo kung sino ka hahaha)... ewan.


yun lang din yung sinasabi ko. pati kay Gidget. na hindi naman porke't magkasama kami eh meh something na naman. nakakairita na kasi eh. kayo na lang yung nag-iisip na nagpapakatanga ko. putang ina talaga. muntik ko nang sabihin na "putang ina niyo" hahaha pero ayoko. kasi hindi niyo naman talaga kasalanan. at hindi niyo talaga naiintindihan. at hindi niyo 'to nababasa para murahin ko kayo.


pag magkasama kami ni jorge, (ang bobo talaga nakakainis di nyo ba 'to naiisip?) i mean these days, hindi kami bf-gf mode or whatever! tangina. porke ba ex ko eh hindi ko na papansinin? dahil ba gustong gusto kong ideny yung existence nya and all pag naaalala ko yung mga nangyari, hindi na ako dapat ma-whatever sa kanya? bawal ko na syang makita?


nakakairita kasi. kapag nakita niyo kaming magkasama, feeling ko automatic na tatakbo sa utak niyo na nagpapakatanga na naman ako. well sige, nagpapakatanga ko para sa inyo, pero para sa akin, hindi. kung sa tingin niyo umaasa pa rin ako na maging kami ulit - well hindi ko sasabihin na hindi na ako umaasa - (pero) hindi ibig sabihin noon na kaya ako sumasama sa kanya kasi baka magkaroon ng milagro or what. hindi ko alam kung yun ba ang naiisip niyo. pwede ba. tangina. as if naman kasi kapag kayo nasasamahan niyo ko. hindi naman.


sige na, pinipilit ko na sarili ko sa lahat ng tao. kay jorge, sa g11, maski sa linnae. ewan.


may nagsabi sa akin na kaya raw siguro naiirita sa akn eh dahil sa ayun nga sinasabihan ako na wag nang ganito ganyan. tae. hindi balewala yun. pero naisip niyo ba na ako pa rin naman in the end ang magdedecide? grabe. at naisip niyo rin ba na hindi lang naman ako ang nag-iisang ganito ka-tanga sa mundo para ganun? ewan.


ang labo nating lahat.


tapos sasabihin niyo nagdadrama ako. try niyo nga ilagay sarili niyo sa akin. as in tanggalin niyo lahat ng mga katangian niyo at isuot niyo yung akin at tignan ko lang kung hindi ba ganito naman talaga.


magalit kayo kung magagalit. galit din ako. nakakainis na. lahat ng tao sa mundo (o bobo magsabi na ginegeneralize ko kasi kung hindi ninyo alam mahilig akong mag-ganyan pero i don't really mean it, dahil syempre may gusto akong patamaan, duh), peke. mapagpanggap. nang-iiwan sa ere. nang-iiwan sa daan. bastos. makasarili. close-minded. makikipag-argue para lang masabi na iba yung stand. sumisigaw kahit hindi naman kailangan. sama nang sama sa ex nagmumukha tuloy tanga. tutulong kunwari pero nagpapalala lang naman pala (sabi rin yan ng nanay ko). nagpapanggap na ayos lang kahit hindi naman talaga. nagpapanggap na galit pero ang totoo halos isumpa na.


sobrang lungkot, at sobrang nasasaktan kasi hindi niya alam kung kanino siya lalapit. dun sa ex nya na pag kasama nya alam nyang umiirap lahat ng makakita. dun sa mga akala nya kaibigan pa rin nya pero wala na mula nang piliin nya ang boyfriend nya na ex na nya ngayon na pag kasama nya alam nyang umiirap lahat ng makakita. o dun sa mga taong pakiramdam nya pinipilit lang naman nya ang sarili nya (though of course i'll admit i'm just assuming, so don't go mad at me, okei?).? ang saya.


iniisip ko, magbabakasyon na lang ako somewhere. yung malayo pero may kakilala pa rin ako. hmm.



DISCLAIMER: syempre galit ako. so baka bukas magbago na naman ako at ma-realize ko na mali ang mga iniisip ko. but still. isipin niyo rin naman yung kalagayan ko. alam niyo na yung circumstances eh. grabe. kahit hindi naging kami ni jorge, kung naging super close naman kami, sasamahan ko pa rin siya. atsaka ano ba. next sem di na kami masyado magkikita. ano pang mangyayari. edi wala na, db? di niyo alam yung feeling. lalo na, wala naman kayo nung pinagdaanan namin ang lahat. plus, ganun pa rin naman. nababalewala pa rin ako. at ayos n sken yun. darating ang lahat na kahit pakyuhin nya ko sa harap ng napakaraming tao, wala na akong pakialam. not because sobrang tanga ko na kaya hinahayaan ko yung mga ganun, but because... basta hindi dahil tanga na ako. ugh.

dear jorge,

i do well hope that someday you would realize, everytime you put on that stupid dirty finger sign, you're really making me look more stupid. grabe. have i not known you well, baka wala ka na talaga ngayon. tangina.

stop it. grabe.


even if it's not me you're directing that dirty finger.


only dirty people do that. not to add the dirt, of course. hahaha.

grabe. ulit.

wala lang.


ewan. haha kakairita.




mag-aaral na ako for BA at Stat.
^_^

i guess...

...i'll be seeing less of you in the next few months... or maybe years, even...


i don't really like the look of it.


sana lang, manatili tayong close if not intimate. hahaha.


you're simply the bestest friend i ever had, no matter how i think of you as a loser. hahaha that's why it's weird. that's why it's fine with me to be with you, even if i look stupid or it shows that i still want you or whatever. well, i do still want you, really. but i've reduced my hoping of things, which i choose not to elaborate further.


and i really don't want to see less of you. i never get tired of your presence, anyway. i mean, i don't get tired of your face because if ever you might have noticed i don't really look at you that often. i'm a weird person, i am. when someone is close to me, it is seldom that i look at him/her. hahaha when i always look at someone's face, it's his face that i'm looking at, see? it's different from looking into his face. and that's just what i do with you.


well i just want to say that (for some reason i do not know and i do not want to know though i've pondered on it for a few times) uhmmm... you'll always be special. far more special than - you know, luis or all the ones i've "loved." i mean, super dramatic as it may seem, you'll always have a special place in my *rotten* heart which i will just keep for you. kahit may dumating ng iba. i won't go saying "sa'yo lang ako" to anyone at all. because no one really owns me for himself.


and i hope that no matter happens we'll just stay as close as ever. i mean. basta. kahit may pamilya nko or ikaw or what. i just want to assure myself. hahaha


pero ayos lng kung hindi.


you know, i'm ephemeral as well. :)


anyway, i'm sorry if i really never showed how special you are. to me.

but you are. God damn it. you really are.
*witch-like laugh*



i really cannot remember how i do that witch-like laugh anymore. you know, the one you and jox always say. hahaha.




/*this is a very stupid post because i'm crying by the time i was saying that part that he will be always special. this really, really is. i hate crying while blogging.*/

oh well.

i do not mean to make any "pasaring" or whatever. and this goes to everyone (i intend) so don't go saying "pinatatamaan niya ako" or "sorry lang" or whatever. i'll really pounce on anyone who'd do that.


and don't go proofreading this. hahaha.


anyway. here goes.


i do believe that friends do not exist to make your life become the ideal (life, i mean). we (i use "we" because i'm kinda including myself. as a friend. and as a person. hahaha) may be here to make it perfect, but perfect does not equate to ideal, though one may take them as synonyms or whatever.

no.

excuse me but no one lives to please anyone, not in the least to please F-R-I-E-N-D-S. if you are a friend, don't expect that your friends should please you, meaning anything they do that you do not like will almost make you hate them. true, we get as much disappointments from friends as we do from enemies. might be even more, now that i think about it.


it's good to do one thing at a time, like listening, giving advices, confiding, leaning, hugging. but not all the time. i have proven that with the help of someone. i mean, even seeing all the time the person you want to be always with is tiresome at times. you get to realize that you wish you could go back to feeling the yearning inside you. the longing to see that person again. and again. but i'm well off my point now! anyway, what i want to say is, don't go tiring your friends, because even if it shouldn't be, or rather it seems it shouldn't be, but friends get tired too, you know.


don't go always worrying them or they'll end up being indifferent.


heed their advices but do not depend on them like you don't know how to think at all.


and don't go thinking that scars do nothing but remind you of the wound that caused it. it should, you know, that's really what it's for. but then, you should know as well that you might not want to add more scars or re-open the wound or anything, so don't brood over these matters every moment of your life.


i also think that if you have anything you wish to tell your friend, or friends, either you go tell him/her straight or wait until they don't bother you anymore. so even if you think he/she is having a big bubble as a head and you really wish you could pop it or something like that and you wish that he stops existing or anything, sabihin mo na lang, utang na loob. mag-sorry kung magso-sorry. i-confront kung ico-confront. yakapin kung gusto yakapin. don't wait for the right time, because it will never come.


and don't be bothered by what he would say or do after you told him whatever it is you want to tell him. dear me. who cares about what should happen? what should you do? no one, really. everyone just guesses, but you are the one who'll do the making. basta. tangina. wag niyo nang hintayin na sumabog na lahat ng stars sa kalangitan o kaya si Jadis ay nandito na sa mundo natin at ginagawa ng winter ang buong panahon.


and don't go finding other people that you have a similar opinion against anyone. i say, anyone, not anything. it's a bad habit, you know. it's like you're conspiring against this someone. nakakairita e.


and really, never expect anyone to CHANGE as if that's as easy as changing your underwears. ilabas niyo lahat ng gusto ninyong ilabas, pero don't expect an immediate change. don't even desire for the change you want. basta. yung tipong, ang sama-sama niya, tapos nasabi mo na sa kanya na masama siya, tapos ineexpect mo the next day kabaliktaran na siya. tae. magbasa kayo ng Narnia, para masaya. a person will change when he/she feels he/she ought to.




wala lang.


these friendship issues and all. syempre, affected din ako sa lahat ng sinabi ko. i realized them, but i don't think they'll sink that fast. they're hard to accept, i know. syempre nagawa ko na rin lahat yan. naranasan ko nang makinig, pakinggan, balewalain, pagalitan, pagkaisahan, pag-usapan, at i-backstab ng mga kaibigan ko. er. of course, i still regard some of those who backstabbed me as friends, because i don't think someone has done so. yet. and i think, i mean. hahaha.

grabe.

i feel so lonely. as in yung tipong nakaka-depress na depression. basta, yung hindi ko magawang isipin na makakaya ko lahat ng ito at malalampasan ko lahat ng ito at kung ano pang pagmomotivate sa sarili ko'y hindi talaga gumagana.

kanina nga akala ko hindi ako iimik ngayong araw na ito. pero hindi. hindi ko lang talaga mapigilang magdaldal.

hindi ko mapigilang tumawa pag may nakita akong katawa-tawa (para sa akin, i mean).

hindi ko kayang magkunwari na hindi nakakairita ang mga bagay na tulad ng pagtalsik ng putik sa binti ko habang naglalakad.

pero ang weird. ayoko nang magdrama pero sa totoo lang kasi, gusto ko na talaga iiyak lahat ng ito. alam niyo yun, yung ramdam mo sa sarili mo na kapag umiyak ka, alam mo na makakaya mo na talaga kung ano man ang challenge na gusto ng Diyos na harapin mo para maging mas matatag ang pananalig mo sa Kanya and all.

ewan ko ba.

iniisip ko nga, manood siguro ako ng drama. yung sa sine mas maganda. feeling ko may mangyayari eh kapag ganoon. maiiyak talaga ako. i mean, (naalala ko lang okay?!?!) tulad noong summer. dumating yung time na akala ko hindi ko na iiyakan yung break-up namin ni Jorge kasi it's been (back then) about a week or so since i actually cried, whether consciously or not. tapos this time came when i downloaded a song to test whether songs are enough to cry for me. yung tipong akala ko (at alam ko actually) na makaka-relate ako sa song but i did not really think of crying because of hearing it, for heaven's sake. and i did. grabe. i think that song was "How Could An Angel Break My Heart?" actually there's another one, also sung by Tony Braxton, "Unbreak My Heart." before summer classes ended i erased them from my mp4 player. oh dear, i really couldn't help crying then, it's funny remembering i did. hahaha. and, oh dear! i was actually inside a bus when i cried! i don't remember if i had a seatmate then; i don't think so. or maybe he/she was asleep. i don't know. not that it really matters.

but my point is, i really want to cry. but i don't think listening to those songs wouldn't make me cry anymore. i mean, my broken heart isn't the issue here, so those songs won't really make any impact. i don't know the problem at all.

that's it.


everyone knows that the first step in problem solving is identifying the problem.


and something started to bother me.

yung background ko

ay kinuha ko sa batangas noong camping namin na ginanap sa date na naka-indicate sa lower-right corner ng pic.

saka ko na i-eedit ha. hehe di ko pa naiinstall yung photoshop and all. :)

pfffft.

kakairita naman.
di ko sya nakita. hahaha

what does it matter?

wala lang naman.
pfffffffft.


weird pa naman un... daming nalalaman. hahaha maybe that's why i like him so much.

and yet there are times when i just can't help but despise his existence as well.




wait, let me rephrase that.
i can't help but despise the fact that some people simply love to do flirting. and he's one of them.

so i don't really despise his existence. nyahaha


and i just can't let him read this.


hahaha inedit ko. madededuce agad ni Gens pag nakita nya yung binura ko! hahaha tama na Gens. dami mo ng alam. :D hahaha joke.

weee~

2330. at nandito pa rin ako kanila bamba. ^_^


whatta day. hahaha. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. papatayin na ako ng nanay ko. well, ayoko pa mamatay, gusto ko lang maglaho. T-T

dear jorge,

salamat sa pagtawag.

hahaha.



mejo masama pa rin loob ko. pero ayun. salamat pa rin sa pagtawag. para lang mag-goodnight.

miss na miss na kita.


i guess i haven't really forgiven you yet. but then again... ikaw pa. ahaha.





love,
michaelle

dear jorge,

sorry naman kahapon ha.

pumunta ako dun (1) dahil na-miss ko rin naman ang tambay moments at (2) dahil pupunta ka. sabi mo.


at sana kapag umaalis ako nang ganoon... ewan, nung nagreact ka kasi... ewan... nakakabigat ng loob...


hindi ko alam kung bakit...




-michaelle

dear jorge,

alam mo ba, sobrang nasaktan lang naman ako noong i-text mo ako noong sabado nang "One thing mykel. Wag kang epal." grabe. hindi pala sobra, pero nasaktan pa rin ako.

at kanina, sobra-sobrang nairita ako nang sabihin mong dahil lang iyon sa pag-tag ko kay Jo. putang ina. sorry ha, naistorbo ko ba ang pakikipaglandian mo? sorry talaga.

magalit ka man sakin, ang sasabihin ko lang eh nilagay ko ito dito dahil nga sobrang nairita ako. kahit kailan wala kang respeto. yata. ewan ko. aangkinin mo ba si jo? well i hope hindi ka magtagumpay. wala akong pakialam kung sasabihin mong impossibleng pagsawaan mo sya pag naging iyo na sya. whatever.

sobrang sinaktan mo ko noong nakipagbreak ka, tapos hindi ka pa nakukuntento talaga. tangina ka. gago ka.


pasalamat ka mahal pa rin kita. at weird ako kaya hindi kita pinapakulam at hindi ko hinihiling na mamatay ka na. just that maglaho ka na lang sa buhay ko, kasama lahat ng alaala mo. kasi hindi ko ikatutuwa kung tuluyan ka nang mawawala tapos iiwanan mo ako ng masasakit na alaala.


at alam mo naman na mahal pa rin (ata) kita. i mean, nasabi ko naman sa iyo di ba? hindi mawawala iyon kahit magbreak tayo. pero pag may pumalit, ibig sabihin mas mahal ko siya kaysa sa yo.


ewan ko. ayokong maging kayo ni jo. dahil sobrang sinaktan mo ako. gusto kong malaman nya lahat yun. kaso mukhang paninira yun pag pinaalam ko sa kanya lahat di ba?

and think about it. yung connections mo sa kanya. dati si greg. ngayon? haha alam ko kung paano pwede ba.

at nakakairita ka.



can't believe i love you. hahaha but i do. i really do. and it's pathetic.




at hindi ko kayang sabihin ito sa iyo. wala akong kayang sabihin sa iyo nang harapan kung alam kong mag-aaway tayo or something. basta. ayaw kong magka-away tayo eh. kasi pag nag-away tayo nang bongga, baka hindi na tayo magka-ayos. and i'd really hate that.





love,
michaelle.

hello!

really been a long long time.

anyway, i'm really not contented with this design. it's just a pre-set template of blogger. as soon as i have enough time to edit a photo that i would deem fit for my site, of course, i'll fix this.

behold.

kung dati puro jorge.
ewan ko lang, baka ganoon pa rin.

this is my blog, and it'll be what i want it to be.


^_^


weee.











"bakit may hiwalay ka pang blog?"
"eh kasi hindi naman ito ganoon kadalas na dinadalaw, hindi tulad ng sa multiply ko. ^_^"


ayan ah.
hehe.



saka in fairness, madaling mag-post dito. kasi pwede akong mag-send thru email. nyahaha.