nakakainis

bullshit..

i hate what i'm feeling now..

no one can take me back to where i was..

not even me..

i don't know if i want to go back there..

but i wish i were somewhere like then..

i left that place..

bullshit..

i hurt you

always

sorry

sorry kung wala kong paniniwala

sorry sa lahat

grabe

ayoko pa mamatay

pero gusto ko na

kung mammatay ako, hinihiling ko sa Diyos na sana hindi ako mahirapan.. tipong, hindi na ako maghihingalo.. kahit hindi ako nakangiti pag namatay, ayos lang, huwag lang akong mahirapan… hinihiling ko rin na bago ako mamatay eh bigyan Niya muna ako ng pagkakataon na maging mabuting Kristiyano at makatulong muna sa kapwa…

siguro kaya binibigyan Niya ako ng maraming maraming pagsubok ngayon, at hinahayaan Niya na harapin ko ang napakaraming problemang mga ‘to… ngayong naisip ko ito, napaisip tuloy ako.. baka isang araw pagkatapos ng lahat ng ‘to, hindi na ako magigising… ano kaya ang mangyayari sa’kin? Nakakapag-isip lang ba ako kung may katawan ako? Tumitibok lang ba ang puso ko ‘pag dumadaloy pa ang dugo sa katawan ko? Kung mamamatay ako, siguro maiiwan yung mga alaala ko sa utak ko..? hindi yata, kasi may mga kaluluwa na naglipana na hindi raw matahimik kasi gusto maghiganti di ba? Er.. ayoko nun… gusto ko matahimik ako, kaya nga ayaw ko na pahirapan ako ‘pag namatay ako…

Lagi kong sinasabi na magpapakamatay na’ko… mali yun di ba? Kaya nga kahit anong sabi ko, hindi ko ginagawa.. wala lang… alam ko na gagawin ko kapag sa tingin ko hindi ko na kaya.. hindi ko alam kung ano tawag dun, pero may tawag dun eh… yun pag nadedepress ka at gusto mo na matapos ang lahat pero may natitira pa namang tapang sa’yo kaya hindi ka nagpapakamatay eh sinasaktan mo na lang sarili mo? Er… obviously, wala akong balak maglaslas… gusto ko yung masasaktan ako na may lalabas na dugo pero hindi ako maglalaslas… kaya nga hindi ko hihiwaan sarili ko sa meh pulso.. watever the term… baka matuluyan ako, ayaw ko mapunta sa empyerno…

Sana mapatawad ako ng Diyos sa mga iniisip ko…

So ayun nga… kung mahihinuha niyo, napakalungkot ko ngayon, napakaproblemado, at napakawalang kwenta. iniisip ko nga kung bakit ba nabubuhay pa ako… kahit takot ako mamatay… *gusto ko na rin tuloy, pag mamamatay ako huli na ang lahat para malaman ko na mamamatay na pala ako…pero ayos lang kung ipaaalam muna sa ‘kin ng Diyos na mamamatay na’ko para maihanda ko sarili ko di ba?* ang dami naman kasing mga tao na walang naidudulot na mabuti sa mundo, pandagdag lang sa digits ng population, kaagaw ng mga karapat-dapat sa pagkain at tirahan at lupa… pero ako..basta ako gusto ko magbagong buhay…

gusto ko nga maging ibang tao eh… puno kasi ng kasalanan yung buhay ko… puro problema… puro lungkot… gusto ko maging ibang tao… pero mali yun… pero… pero…

ang dami ko kasing gustong mabago sa buhay ko… pero parang hindi ako nabibigyan ng pagkakataon na magbago.. na maituwid yung mga kamalian ko noon… therefore, hindi ako masaya… akala ko nga kuntento ako sa buhay, pero sa mga sinasabi ko, hindi ba parang talagang hindi ako kuntento sa kung sino ako ngayon?

inalis sa akin ang maraming bagay… maraming sinasakripisyo para sa’kin tapos ako walang maisakripisyo kaya ayan, ako pa yung nasasabihan na hindi nakakakita…

naiiyak talaga ako… ang saklap ng buhay… alam ko namang darating yung panahon na magiging masaya ako… pero parang naiinip na ako… sana mapatawad ako ng Diyos dahil naiinip ako… dahil nagsasawa na ako sa kawalang-kwentahan ko…dahil wala naman ako nagagawa para mapasaya yung ibang tao…

well, sana umalis na lang sila… sana hindi na rin nila ko saktan.. sana hindi na nila ipamukha sa’kin na wala akong kwenta… tangina, sabihin pa na hindi totoo yun…

ewan sa inyo! Tangina niyong lahat! wala na ‘kong pinagkakatiwalaan na kahit na sino.. kahit yang mga so-called “friends” na yan. tangina. Malay ko ba kung may mga sinasabi rin sila sa likod ko. Although ako, hindi ko sinasabi sa kanila. Ganun talaga noh? Eh kung isa-isahin ko kaya sila sa mga kapangitan ng ugali nila? Edi nawala sila sa’kin? Edi alam na natin kung bakit nagkakaplastikan! Takot kasi makagalitan ng iba, pero pag sila nagalit na at nakipag-away, ayan, they’re free to say whatever dark feelings they’ve kept.

God bless us all.. sana mapatawad Niya ako sa lahat ng mga kasalanan ko… sa lahat ng sama ng loob na dinadala ko na hindi naman dapat nagtatanim ng sama ng loob… sorry po, kung napakahina ko… sorry kung hindi ko naaalagaan yung mga binigay Niyo sa’kin.. gabayan Niyo po sana sila na sana maging masaya naman sila sa buhay nila… siguro darating din yung panahon na matatanggap ko na wala talagang makakaintindi sa’kin kundi ang Diyos… kahit nga ako hindi ko naiintindihan ang sarili ko… malamang ibang tao rin…

Ang post na ito ay nais kong ialay kay Celiz, hindi ko alam kung bakit. Siguro kasi siya yung most recently ay pinaglalabasan ko ng sama ng loob… senxa na Celiz ha… kung nabasa mo yung nilagay ko, wala na ‘kong tiwala sa kahit sino sa mga kakilala ko…

Lam nio, sawang sawa na talaga akong umiyak, masaktan, kung ano pa.. madalas na ‘kong hindi makahinga. Sana lang hindi ako mgkaroon ng sakit sa puso. Sabi kasi ni lola pag pinipigil mo raw lagi umiyak eh talagang magkakaroon ka ng sakit sa puso.

i forgot to include in my post that i have finished reading The Testament by John Grisham yesterday. i plan on re-reading it this coming weekend before the test. God help and bless us all.


also, it's our eleventh (11th) monthsary tomorrow...


i remember only the reply i sent him that night...


"oo na..."


when i pressed the send button that instant, there's no coming back. i didn't intend to give him that idea, really. what i wanted to say was, "oo na..d k p cnsagot.."


but, hell, i wanted to be us badly..


"anung oo? tau n?"


i remember his grandpa was sleeping beside him that moment. haha i myself was giggling, and my lola, who was in the other room, came to have a peek. what more with him, if his lolo was beside him?


haha.. this makes me smile... i don't regret not making my point clear, really...


i love you so much, my dear... it's enough reason to live, not to die... even if you leave me, the hurt cannot kill me... i'd be proud to tell the world that i, who have caused much pain on you, deserve to be unhappy..

i spent the day with this computer... i feel sorry for it... i think i'm quite abusing it... i don't know but this day didn't seem to exist...


when i woke up, i went straight to the computer, with no idea of what i would do. i just felt like it. so from 8:30am until 1pm i sat here. i was lonely. i didn't know what to do.


i stopped because i thought my buddy here needs some rest. and also, mama started racketing about electricity bills. it made me guilty. i spent the last two hours trying to finish episode 88 of bleach. and reading bleach manga. i also downloaded It's Gonna Rain. i missed hearing that song.


i slept from 1 'til 3. i woke up because it was hot.


i texted celiz. she was lonely, which reminded me of my never-happy-always-sad second year days. i was happy to send messages to her, even though it was of little help. hey, bata, wag ka masyado malungkot. ok? life extends in all directions, ikaw ang bahala kung ano pipiliin mo, hindi yung daan ang pipili sa'yo. :)


i texted jorge. i fall asleep in intervals. then i thought of going here upstairs. anyway, the population of mosquitoes remain the same. dane said she has a project to be submitted tomorrow. we have no printer so she needed a diskette. i searched for one which is not damaged. i found one. i volunteered to do her project, too. i found the internet useless here, because she says that the parts indicated in what i researched were not the parts they discussed in school. so i made up some lame descriptions for each part of the newspaper that she gave me. there. project done, all that's left is printing.


internet card ran out, so i asked lola if i could borrow and share with uncle noel's. i cannot acess/access whatever the spelling is. so she gave some money and i bought P50 worth of surfmaxx card, since tomorrow, hopefully, dsl will arrive. the connection is slow, but i have to bear with it. tomorrow might be the day, or any time of the week.


there's a test tomorrow first thing in the morning. i don't have notes. i don't like tle, in the first place. then filipino. i didn't know there'd be a test, or i'd have finished the book. and my book is with jorge. i started cursing the stupidity of my life again, and texted celiz. and i finished dane's project. the panic and hatred ebbed away... i'm quite fine now...


i hope tomorrow will be a good day, despite all the challenges i'll surely face... i know God will bless me with all these... He will guide me, for sure..

prom

i didn't know that it was called prom... haha yeah, it was more elegant than last year, really... even if you say that last year's prom was held in a hotel, i don't care. i'm quite proud of these third years for producing such a wonderful sight out of MaSci...


i really don't care now whether people changed their minds or something... the food was great, congratulations Mrs. Vidal. the place was great, and that goes to the juniors. there was a band, i could say they were great but i wish they played more slow music, because obviously i could not dance along fast ones... even if i want to, i couldn't do what i did last year, so i felt sad about that... anyway, they were great. but i didn't like the approach. i'd rather look at them with my eyes closed.


i didn't dance anyone else but Jorge. i don't know if i'm happy with that. i don't know if i really enjoyed the night. but i really enjoyed dancing with him, if you can call that dancing, 'cause in the first place i don't know how to dance, and even if i do i won't have done it properly anyway. i asked if it was alright with him, i was his only dance that night... he said, "hindi ko gusto, hindi ko ayaw..." i wonder whatever that means.. it bothered me, though, so i thought he wasn't really enjoying the night... also because we (lawrence, the impotents) had picture taking sessions without the others, Jorge among those others...


i told him it was okay if he danced with the others... but my mind was going blank... i don't want to sit there and watch him... i didn't even look while he was gone and i sat there quite alone (quite because i'm not really alone)... he must have wanted to dance with others... i don't know, i don't even know if i wanted to dance with others... but i think he'll be the only one who'll... i don't know.. he might be the only one i wanted to dance.. i don't know... all night i wished that i didn't have a cast on my leg... i was sad... lonely... happy... so i was blank. they simply must have cancelled...


really, i'll forever want to turn back time, maybe... but i hope i'll not feel that way... i'm drowning, and i think God will be the only one who would help me...


i'm sorry i made your supposedly-happy-night so worthless... you must be thinking whether you really enjoyed that prom or you just spent the night turning with me by a so-called dance... i hope, even for a moment, you were happy with me...

yes...

maybe that's it... maybe i was destined to be unhappy for now... maybe it's okay if for some time, maybe a few months, i would cry everyday... at least i would cry to Him, no one else... at least He understands me, unlike the people down here... at least, in His time, He will send his help... unlike the people down here... maybe i shouldn't get tired? anyway, why should I?


he has some other plans for me.. maybe i really have to suffer first... maybe i'll be able to surpass this... i really hope so.. i'm quite giving up the fight... i hope He forgives me for being so weak and frail...


i don't want this anymore... i want some rest... i want to smile because my heart smiles, not because my lips do the smiling...


after a long time i felt somewhat happy again... this afternoon was spent with Pax, and i felt like back then in the first year days... i dunno, but i felt like my burden was lightened and God was there, talking to me, telling me that things would go the way they should, as long as I believe in Him and trust Him... it doesn't matter maybe even if I lose my trust in all these people, even if He was the one who gave them to me, as long as I have trust in Him... i might be alone in this wretched world, but in His kingdom i will be very happy... i don't want to do suicide because i know He already has plans on how i will die... and i'm sure it's much more worthy to talk about than just killing myself, anyway... she was a proof that God is always with me, even in the darkest hours of my life... i don't know what the aftermath of all these sufferings are, but really, i know God will give me strength... maybe i just have to find it through the people around me...


the game's over. i have other games to attend to. if you want to play and make me suffer, it's fine, but let's play some other time. really, you always make me cry.. i don't even know if you understand how i feel.. but i know you don't want to hurt me.. but you do, and i tell you, i could give up all the games that I'm playing, including this, if I have to concentrate with the game that God wants me to play. I might not care if I lose the others, even you maybe, if it's for God. you understand that?


if there's one thing you can do for me it's to stay beside me as i play and face the opponent. just stay beside me, no need playing the game unless i call for your help. or if you think "why not just help you?" then learn to help me on proper timing. of all the people, you should know me best. but maybe God is the only one who really knows me best. don't make me come to conclude that there must be some other someone who knows me better. it won't hurt just you, it surely will hurt me more.


you didn't answer me when i asked to confirm if i'm mean to you.. mean on you.. the hell, what's the proper prep.. yeah... coz i really am, am i not? yes... you really don't understand... and slowly, i cannot understand anymore... i don't even know what i should feel... i'm lost... so lost... i want to go home... to wherever i belong...

fifty thousand tears i've cried

it has been a really tough past-6-hours for me. i mean, more than six hours actually...


i don't know what really happened.. where it started.. but i thought it started after humanities, when we weren't together going to the comsci room, which was the next class. when he arrived there he was already kind of... er... i forgot the term... well, anyway, his temper was already up, and mine was always near the boiling point these days. after that was PE...


tapos nung PE sinsabi niya na sa'kin na magpapakamatay na raw siya... tapos yung pinahawak niya sa'kin na wallet, cellphone, coin purse at mp4 player sabi niya itago ko na raw kasi hindi naman daw niya yun magagamit sa kabilang buhay...

"tangina jorge, wag mo 'ko inisin ngayon..." sa sobrang inis ko, yun ang mga nabitawan kong salita... eh nakakainis naman kasi talaga... sa dami ng pinoproblema ko ngayon, bakit parang daragdag pa siya? kung iniisip niya sana na hindi niya ako napapasaya, sana hindi na lang muna niya inisip yun. hindi lang naman niya nakikita na masaya ako kasi nga ang dami kong problema... kahit ngumiti nalilimutan ko na...

tapos ayun nga, sa sobrang inis ko at dahil sinabi ni mama na naka-alis na raw si ate lor, pumunta na lang ako sa may gate. alam ko naman na mahahabol niya ako doon eh. nakatayo lang ako. tapos nakita ko siya sa gilid ng mata ko na papalapit. tapos paglapit niya,

"o, sa'yo na 'to. kunin mo na lang yung ibang gamit ko sa bahay." aba e talagang nainis na ako noon! sabi ko,

"ano ba?!" tapos sabay irap. nakakainis na kasi bakit parang nagbabatang isip pa siya ngayon. ngayon pa kung kailan i already have got enough on my plate. tapos sabi niya,

"magpapakamatay na'ko. napakawalang kwenta ko naman eh." hindi ako nagsalita kasi alam ko at nagtitiwala akong hindi niya ako iiwan. hindi niya magagawang magpakamatay dahil alam namin pareho na wala ng pagkakataon na makarating kami ng langit kung magpapakamatay kami. pero kinakabahan na ako noon. kasi hindi ko alam kung nasaan siya. tapos dumating sila pax, ivan at rap. lumabas si pax kasi sabi ko baka nandiyan lang siya. eh tapos wala siya doon... tapos nainis talaga ako kasi hindi talaga niya sinabi kung saan siya pupunta... pero alam kong hindi niya iiwan yung gamit niya doon... edi ayun nga, dumating na si ate lor... si pax na yung umalalay sa 'kin. sabi ko kay ivan siya na mag-bantay ng gamit ni Jorge, tapos pinasabi ko na break na kami. siya yung nang-iwan sa akin kaya siya yung nag-break sa'min. ganun-ganun kung anu-ano pa. tapos nung nasa taxi na (naka-lima yata bago kami nakasakay) nag-text siya.


doon na talagang nagsimula yung away. although alam ko naman na babalikan niya yung gamit, ayaw ko kasi na ganoon ang ipakita niyang ugali. tapos malaman-laman ko kumain lang pala siya sa KFC...


tapos sabi niya, sinabi niya raw sa'kin na kakain siya sa KFC kasi gutom na gutom na siya. sabi ko wala akong naaalala kasi wala naman talaga. tapos sabi niya hindi raw ako nag-react kaya akala niya ayos lang. hindi ko rin daw siya pinapansin kaya sinabi niya na magpapakamatay na raw siya. nakakainis talaga kanina pa lang sa taxi umiiyak na ako. sabi naman, walang araw na hindi ako iiyak eh.


tapos ayun nga... hanggang dumating dun sa point na tinanong niya kung break na raw ba kami. sabi ko ewan, break na kami... tapos yung huli niyang text, nung pababa na ako, sabi niya "cge mgppkmatay nko" sumting... dahil nga sinabi rin naman niya yun kanina at alam ko at nagtitiwala ako na hindi naman niya gagawin yun, hindi na muna ako nag-text at hinintay ko na mag-text ulit siya.


pagdating ko sa bahay, nahiga agad ako dahil nga pagod ako. iniisip ko nun baka sineryoso niya na yung sinasabi niya, pero nagtitiwala talaga akong hindi niya gagawin yun. nakatulog ako... pag-gising ko may 6 missed calls, akala ko siya na... nag-aalala na kasi talaga ako noon... eh tapos lalo akong kinabahan nung nanay pala niya, tapos may message pa... naiwan daw yung bag niya doon! kasama cellphone at wallet! dun talaga muntik na ako maiyak, kaso ayoko maiyak kasi ayaw ko makita ni mama...tapos tumawag nanay niya, ayun nga raw, nagtext daw kasi si thea sa kaniya na yung bag ni Jorge andun pa tapos magsasara na yung MaSci... tapos sabi ko kanina kumain si Jorge kaso nauna ako umuwi... hindi ko muna sinabi na nag-away kami kasi nakikinig si mama... tapos ti-next ko siya na, ayun nga, nagkaroon kami ng away... tapos maya-maya nung naubos ko na load ko, nag-text si flor, ang gamit yung cel ni Jorge kaya akala ko ok na si Jorge tapos si Flor pala! naiiyak na ako nung sinabi ni Flor na nawawala nga si Jorge... eh wala akong load kaya nagpa-load pa ako... tapos tinext ko si tita.. sabi niya hinahanap na raw nila si Jorge...



bukas ko na itutuloy... inaantok na ako sobra... at namamaga mga mata ko. goodness.

my wounds cry for the grave

my soul cries for deliverance...


i don't know now what to do.. i'm really problematic... we have no more money... i don't think i can even attend the junior-senior promenade... i don't much care... i might miss a quarter of my life because of that... maybe things really would end up that way... and my life was really made to be miserable like my mom's... sometimes i think that a curse runs down in our bloodline.. like, whoever the second son or daughter will have a miserable life... haha whatta stupid idea, isn't it? i don't think God ever create lives for that reason... but, you know... my grandmother is the second in their family, and the first daughter, and she said she had a miserable life... my mother is also the second, and also the first daughter, and she said she had a miserable life... all of us are daughters, but i'm the second, and maybe i am stupid to think like this, but really, i'm so depressed i sometimes think of dying...


what more, my cast now has some cracks, and my mom learned that if this continues my leg would suffer. wow. i really think i am destined to suffer life. be happy at some points so as not to forget that i can be happy but i won't.


i am also thinking of not having any children anymore. first, i don't want to pass these kind of knees to them. second, i don't want anyone of them to suffer. third, i don't think i could live at the end of ten years. last, i don't want him to suffer. let me suffer alone, even if i don't like it. let me see what others don't see, because closing my eyes won't change anything; i could still see them. let me feel the pain but don't let anyone else do, even if they say they'd always be my side. no, i am alone now. they want to share the feeling but they'll never know how i feel. i don't know the purpose why i had to live. i don't know where i get hope. i don't know. i don't really see a happy future for me.


i've been crying a lot, for a lot of reasons. i'm tired. i want to sleep. i want to face these problems but i don't want to be this weak. i want to have a break but they really don't want me to. i want to be free. i want to know how long and how much else i will suffer, so that i won't be impatient. i don't know what to do. i don't know who else i should ask for help. trust in God. yes. i wish i was happy despite all these. not just smiling; i don't need to smile to be happy. i smile when i'm not happy. i say i'm alright because i don't know if i am really alright. i cry because i don't think i'll be able to surpass all these, and i'm sorry. i hope God will forgive me for being such a weakling. but i hope He will help me. i'm so tired and i cannot take it anymore.


and then...
i'm always left alone when i don't want to be...
but when i want to be alone, they won't leave me...
the hell kind of life this is...
and then...
i really don't think that trust is there...
i trust just God, and i wish He is the only one with me right now...
or maybe i hope that i could feel His help through someone...

talaga naman...

i really feel wrath inside me...


i don't know why but that's what i feel... it's like i haven't met happiness for a long time... already... and i really want to meet with happiness right now... i don't think happiness still knows what my name is... i don't even know happiness anymore... but i want to know him again...


i wonder what awaits me in the future... maybe in an hour or 6 i will become a murderer?

or maybe some kind of mental patient?

i don't know...

but i want to be happy...

damn it...

i really am tired of this...

sometimes i just lose that thing they call trust... thrust... trust... whatever, i don't know that since i lost it...

maybe it's fate...

that's why i can't be happy right now...

yes... stupid things come into my mind... things that i somehow want, but i really am afraid of happening... i don't know if i want them to come alive... the hell.. i hate it...

nakakairita talaga!!!

tapos wala naman din ginagawa yung iba..
tapos nagkagulo pa kanina yung sa activity namin..
haaaaaaaaaay...
bakit ba talaga ako sumama dito...
buti sana kung hindi nagka-ganito yung paa ko eh noh?
tapos ang nakakairita pa niyan, barilan ng barilan mga tao dito. sana may masira sila tapos pagalitan sila. bahala sila. ganun naman eh.
tapos parati ako mag-isa. ewan ko rin. basta. mag-isa. nakakasawa na nga eh. nakakainis na. mag-isa. tangina yung kanta puro mag-isa. ulol.
tapos bonfire. bonfire my ass. ni hindi nga ako makapag-indian sit. tapos bonfire. nangangalay na talaga yung mga binti ko. bonfire pero nagppresent pa rin yung mga group ng mga lame na cheers and yells. no offense. dko lang talaga trip. wala ako sa mood na gumawa ng kahit ano maliban sa matulog. kahit nga yung magandang mood para i-facilitate yung sa CSI na yun, wala eh...


nde..
wala nga ako nafa-facilitate eh.. naiiyak na talaga ako... i mean, ulit... sana nasa bahay na lang ako... hindi yung nandito ako... hindi ko na nga maalala kung anong silbi ko rito... kaya bukas maaga pa lang uuwi na ako... papayagan naman ako niyan malamang... hindi naman sa iniindiyan ko yung sa CSI, pero talagang pagod na ako... dapat talaga hindi na ako sumama... dapat talaga kahit sinabi ni Jorge hindi na ako sumama... eh di sana natutulog ako ngayon... kahit pa pinapagawa kami ng alternate project, ok lang siguro... tae... masakit na batok ko... grabe... nakakainis talaga...


sana lagi na lang ako mag-isa... peste talaga...
pwede ako iwan pero ako hindi pwede mang-iwan...
putang inang buhay minsan... ewan...

damn math camp

i don't really feel enthusiastic here...


i want to go home..
i want to rest my knees, my legs...
i want to sleep in that somehow soft bed..


but here i am, not even having the ability to be a real facilitator... kuzzooooooooo...
i don't even remember how i came to be here in the first place...
i hate it...


at parang walang araw ngayong week na hindi ako umiyak.. bakit kaya?

sige.. naantok nko.. dko nga alam ba't ako nagtagalog ngayon eh.. basta ang alam ko bukas iiyak ulit ako..

i dive again

i'm going under..


i'm listening to fallen right now..

right..

so tomorrow until saturday, math camp will be held in our school. i'm a facilitator and i'm having problems with the committee that i'm in. God help us.

the last time i attended Math Camp was in second year, and my memory doesn't recall much of that, except that i don't want to remember it now. but that math camp i've experienced was very organized, unlike the Sci Camp held about a month after that. i hope it would be better, if not the same, this year.

anyway, because of the preparations for tomorrow's activities, all facilitators were excused from 8am until 5pm, or that's what I thought so. when we arrived at the so called meeting place, there were but a few people... quite disappointing... and what more, jonas wasn't there. and we were supposed to do the clues for the adventure we were assigned. whatever happened to him..? my mother's noisy about my jacket which i lend(ed???) to jonas that day i got my kne dislocated. anyway, i hope he'll be around tomorrow... i'll hunt him if he won't.

i'm not that enthusiastic about this camp... maybe because i don't think i'll enjoy it the way i did last Math Camp.. but i don't want to remember that anymore.. i hate it when i do my best to get something back and then that something itself refuses.. rar

and that time i'm in the midst of being broken.


damn, i'm sleepy...
i won't be able to blog tomorrow, so expect me on saturday..

God bless us all!

5 weeks more...

time has once again gotten over me...without noticing it.

i went to the orthopedist this afternoon. it wasn't really a check-up; he didn't even glance at my leg. but it wasn't a waste of time, though. he told us why it needs to be a duration of about 6 weeks.

he said that when my kneecap was dislocated, the ligaments beside it were damaged. so my leg had to be in a cast so as to allow them to bind together and heal. i my leg was not cast(ed?), the ligaments won't be given the chance to heal since the leg and knee would always move. also, there's still the probability that since they won't bind, my kneecap would choose again another location in my body... whaaaaaaaaaaaa whatta disaster!

also i have to practise that exercise that the doc told me... to tell the truth, since i went back to school i wasn't able to exercise my knees every HOUR... kuzoooooooo!!! >_<

anyway, he also said that i won't need crutches... i feel.. argh.. nahihiya ako kay mama kc bnli niya pa un!!! T-T

anyway.. i did not go to school today, and i've already missed a lot.. and i still got a hangover about that stupid math... i want to cry it to someone, but not to you 'cause it's you, the reason i feel this much loneliness in me...

whoever you are, i hope you know that it's you i'm talking about...

anyways...

math camp in two days... i atill don't know if there'd be some kind-hearted someone who would help me do the bathing and stuff... waaaaah!!! onegai!!!!!!! T-T

and the prom...
i'm getting nervous everytime i think of it.. see, as i said i really am not excited about it.. i'm nervous 'cause i haven't something yet to wear.. kuzooooooooooo... who the hell cares about it? i'm more excited for the grad ball. really.

i'm doing the other part of the radio play script for our group. the project's due on friday, and tomorrow's thursday, dammit. i need to finish this, God help me. i left my book with Jorge, so i was really flabbergasted this morning, thinking of a way to make the script. i found an ebook in the internet, thank God, but it's in english, so i had to translate everything except maybe for those which doesn't need translation.. so, good luck to me! habon made the other part.

oh.. i miss him so much...
i miss the way we were before i got myself in this situation..
anyway, 5 weeks is soon! thank God!!!

did you people know that the magic word "Deremof" used by Rizal was an annagram of "Freedom"? dammit. why didn't you tell me?
sad thing the other magic word wasn't said... i wonder what it could have been, if rizal included it in his novel...
he said that it were the words that brings life and death... maybe it's an annagram of revolt? revolution? hehe

i'll have 6 weeks of gloominess..

whoa.. woah.. the hell, what's the right spelling of this?

anyway.. it's been a hard two days for me.. everywhere i go everyone in that vicinity looks at me.. last monday, many acquaintances were asking how i was doing.. i was quite glad that because of them, but still i can't avoid being.. argh! i don't want to answer the question "how did you get yourself in that situation?" thingy.. sorry for the people who haven't asked yet.. it's a pain to hear people concluding such far-fetched stories.. but i'm tired of being looked at.. you know, i know i'm cute. *xD*

ok, what really happened was that after i stood up from sitting on the stairs, after some three seconds my left knee gave up. no other thing happened before that. i wasn't doing any acrobatics or stuff. they say it must have been the way i sat. must be..

anyway, the crutches my mom bought was quite small for me so i cannot use it, since i'm not comfortable, which may lead to further injuries. and i think we really can't afford another accident because we really lack financial.. er.. power? whatever.. that's why i've been asking my relatives for help.. oh God, i wish i'd been stronger..

er.. i haven't finished editing this blog yet, i hope you people would be quite patient with it for a while. i've quite forgotten html...

i won't go to school tomorrow. why?
FIRST. we really have no more money. i've been riding taxis to go to and fro masci.. so i thought that it would be quite helpful if i won't go to school anymore, so that we won't spend money on going masci, going manila doctor's from masci, then going home, all by riding a cab. dammit. hehe
SECOND. my right knee feels so tired. since i don't use crutches, i walk, and my right knee is already wanting some rest. i even feel like the doctor would scold me... God help me!
THIRD. i really want some rest...

i hope that 6 weeks will be soon... i really do so..

i want to go to the math camp.. would there be some kind-hearted person to help me there? waaaaaaaaaaaa..

and the js.. my grandmom doesn't seem wanting me to go there.. oh God.. i really cried a while ago because of these problems.. and that stupid math.. i'm starting to hate it more..

i'm quite depressed..

one really doesn't know what awaits him..

i must be thankful that i do not know, for if i have known, i might have done something stupid and i might have lost my leg.. you know, at least i still have it attached to me, and i can see my toes move as i command it to move.. but i must say, i'll surely have a lot of problems to face, a lot of things to miss, and a lot of things to think about..

let's see..
what really did happen?

i was quite surprised..
i wasn't really feeling unwell that time, but really, i wasn't in the mood to have the shoot.. i want more to review for that upcoming contest.. to read the book i was reading without any kind of disturbances.. to go home and rest.. to watch a movie.. to fly.. i dunno, but really, does that have anything to do with what has happened?

i sat there.. on the stairs.. doushite? T-T when i stood up, i didn't expect it to happen.. i stepped my right foot, my left, stood up straight, then.. and then.. i suddenly felt weak, like i want to sit.. then my knee felt heavy, then i realized something happened.. i rested it, slowly, to the cold tiled floor.. many things entered my mind.. what happened? where are you? what should i do? why now? WHY NOW? how about tomorrow? will i be fine before saturday? do we need to spend money for this? dammit.. where are you? kuzooo..

then it seared.. slowly, i felt like the pain was along every blood cell.. no, i was used to that pain.. i don't know how.. but.. it's like.. i won't do anything.. i can't, really.. there's nothing i could do but to let the experts do something.. the pain on the knee was nothing.. but.. but.. the pain caused by the immobilization of both legs.. that was what caused me to regress.. i want to move.. i wasn't comfortable.. i really wasn't..

the beez started buzzing.. i saw many faces.. i heard many voices.. i even spoke.. but it's like it was my mouth's own accord to speak.. i do not have time to think about it.. i dunno.. i was searching.. i almost cried.. but i found what i was searching.. i knew it..

they were doing something for me.. thanks, really.. thanks guys.. i remember it well.. somehow..

we went to a hospital.. the doctor there explained some things.. yeah, it was about the procedure they were to do.. during the operation.. i didn't want to let go.. every moment that happens, my hands would feel immediately cold.. i hate that feeling.. i must have made me look angry, but i wasn't.. i was just afraid to feel cold, that's all.. and everytime i try to move my legs.. the pain.. *sniff even if i'm just remembering, it's like i still feel it.. i really don't know what to do.. what i want.. no, i want to sleep.. i was tired of resisting to move.. even if i close my eyes the pain won't even lessen..

my mom arrived.. i was transferred.. God helped me.. he was there.. he must be worried.. so worried.. i hate that most of all.. i don't want him getting worried.. i try smiling.. did i smile?

anyway.. drama part almost over.. when we arrived there i was quite in my senses.. the pain did not subside; it was quite the contrary.. even so, i was assured that something will be done.. but he has to go home.. so i was left alone in my reveries.. this would surely make him lonely.. make US lonely.. i hate it..

i underwent the operation.. the doctor was so kind.. i didn't notice falling asleep.. i was surprised to find that i was waking up.. and at first i was worried because it's like i still can't move my knee.. but, goodness! haha as i could remember, before i wore that mask and inhaled the gas coming from it, it was 5 minutes before 11.. when i looked at it after i woke, it was 10 minutes after 11! this made me smile and chuckle a little.. i was still sleepy.. the doctor said some few reminders.. i remember them, remembered, and wanted to sleep again.. as i was sent to the recovery room i was asleep again.. i think they took a few x-ray shots.. then i was sent back to my room..



i don't know what the reason is why this happened, but i know there is.. it must be a very big reason.. and there must be a big effect.. i hope it's on the positive side..

still, i must not forget to do the exercises! and be positive.