30.3.14
Random Thoughts
My visits to Manila last week brought about a lot of memories. They also made me think, if I could talk to my self ten years ago, would I tell about my life now? How would I react if I said I'm married to that kid?
19.3.14
'Friend'
I can't remember vividly everything that happened eight years ago today; only that few minutes before midnight. I guess I suck at remembering everything, huh.
What I do remember is that one of my closest friends ran away from home, and the whole gang was worried. I am a bit in the "inner circle" of knowledge of the circumstances, so I guess I was more worried than most.
Now, when you're a high schooler, and a girl, most probably you're really needy: you need someone to talk to, you need someone to laugh with, you need someone to tell your problems to, you need someone to tell you his/her problems, and you need someone to talk to about your and everyone else's crush. Except for the last, I'm pretty much all that. But I don't have many "girl friends" like most girls; I find it irritating that a conversation isn't complete without mentioning her/their crushes. I mean, all of us have crushes. Talking about them with excited voices and enthusiastic eyes won't make the crushing mutual.
So most of my friends are boys, or other girls who also don't like being too girly. They're my closest friends and the best I had in high school. We also talk about our crushes, but in a different way I can't explain.
Anyway, that time I had this 'friend' whom I got to be very close with since around November of the previous year.
We were classmates on our freshman year; I didn't really notice him then. He (of course he's a he, I just explained in two paragraphs about my social circumstances back then) was, when we were in freshmen, one of the boys who were bordering on witty and irritating. To me, he was a kid (heard he was accelerated; I would've been, too, except that on my case the schools I went to were strict when it came to age requirements. Public schooler here.) and was still wrapped with the scent of childhood and not yet adolescence. So I didn't really pay attention. Besides, I don't think he pays me attention either. He has his clique, I got mine. Didn't know if he was as intelligent as I was... I don't think he likes reading books like I did... He doesn't seem to have any idea about Harry Potter... And dear me I just thought he was mostly obnoxious. Really, a child. Plus he always liked teasing me. I was near to punching him sometimes because I just didn't think we "clicked" in any way. Sometimes. And those sometimes were times when he was with his friends who also loved giving others the shit of the hour. Seriously, some boys just love pulling the hairs of others. [I'm starting to laugh now that I begin to remember.]
But I liked it when we were both (along with others) teasing other people. Also when we go to the "retail" store, when I would buy my daily dose of Crunch and Pepsi. And my half-day supply of polvoron. I get to have him "treat" me kinds of stuff. I guess he was rich. Obnoxious little rich fat kiddo. He was also good in magic, that game my sister taught me that was apparently a game of the school. If he was good in math, he'd be a total threat, and he'd be on my list of "Crush because they're good in math". If he knew how to play a musical instrument he'd be granted a seat on the top 5, maybe. But come on, he's just a kid.
When we were sophomores, we were on different sections. I, a slightly superior being, was sent to the second "highest" section, while he was somewhere else. If he weren't classmates with my close friend Jox the Almighty, I might not have known what section until the school became busy with preparations for Foundation Day. That year was somewhat unforgettable. As I have implied, we weren't really that close during freshman days, so I was a bit surprised how sad I became when we didn't talk for a long time. Of course, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault that I looked like their Physics/Chem teacher. And I hated that I did look like her. And I really wasn't in the mood for jokes when he repeatedly called me using her name. And I didn't talk to him even though it was not just him who teased me to my irritation - Jox the Almighty also did. And I'll let you in on a secret: I didn't intend not to talk to him; just wanted to tease him as well. Make it seem like he doesn't matter. That it doesn't matter if we no longer talked. I didn't have any idea of whether we shared some deep bond. I underestimated those annoying little things he does.
I didn't immediately admit to myself that it was getting sadder and sadder. There were times when I would see him without his bunch of friends. Our eyes would meet for a few seconds, as if daring each other to call each other out, knowing it's what we really wanted to do (at least, maybe for me). Well that proud beast wouldn't do so, so I kept on walking. And whenever I met him and he was with his boy friends - oh how it annoyed me, that smile of his shouting out "utot sino ka?" G-R-R.
How did we become friends again? Thanks to his friend and my then new friend (I wasn't really in the mood that year to make friends besides with the people I get to be with everyday a.k.a. my classmates) Bulen. Apparently he "urged" him to talk with me already. In all honesty I really felt relief from my head to toe when he did. I was even close to crying. Good thing everyone was busy going home and I think they were about to go to some computer shop so it was limited to "Hello Michaelle" and "Hi Horhe". To seal our newly rebuilt friendship, I helped him and Jox the Almighty check some papers on some achievement test of some school where I seldom put any check marks on any paper. Dunno if I was just being brainwashed, but he sure was some lazy obnoxious rich kid. No longer fat, and he was gaining on my height. The bastard.
A year or two later, I found out he only talked to me because he and Bulen placed a bet on whether he could actually talk to me or not. THE BASTARD.
On our third year, we were again on different sections. But I was in the same section as his crush, and of course he needed my help. Balls. But I was kind of happy to know we were far from not talking for a long time. Was even a time when we were both outside reading (studying?) our history textbook (there was only one teacher for World History for all the sections). My class president saw us and teased that we might end up together. Oh, the irony; the metaphor. Reading world history, and being teased that.
Anyway, after some months he already had a girlfriend (who was kind of an exception to my "I-only-make-friends-with-classmates-because-I'm-afraid-of-others" friendship rule; we were a bit close back in freshman days but she wasn't my classmate) from his section. After some time, they broke up, and he was alone.
I didn't immediately see that he was in that "need someone" stage of high school life. When I did recognize the symptoms, I was afraid at first. I didn't give in. Why? It's a different "need someone" stage. I didn't think I was that someone for him, and I don't think he'd be that someone for me. I needed someone else is what I thought. I explained that to him; at first he insisted but we came up with a common ground we could both step on comfortably (at least, for me; that ground is now commonly known as the friend zone).
By this time that year, now eight years ago, we were almost floating away from the friend zone. I was needing someone that could be more than just a friend. And I wanted it, too. He made me want it. The loving bastard. All those talks that started small now extended to whenever we could, even during classes. The alert on my phone became an alarm for my heart to beat faster. I looked forward to the events of the day because I would have something to tell him. I waited everytime to hear if he was not being okay again. My heart smiled whenever he would say that he's okay as long as I stay. I felt needed, and I felt that it was my job to make sure I was there for him. That's why I needed him, too.
Especially exactly eight years ago, when this close friend of mine ran away. I was in a good mix of negative emotions then. I was surprised that someone could actually run away from home, and that it was my friend who could. I was afraid to know what would happen to him, and to know what might actually be happening to him while he's not yet found. It was Monday the next day and my friends would be asking, and I was one of the few who knew... more. I was really distracted the whole day that by night time I was emotionally exhausted.
He listened to me (read my texts, actually) the whole time and I received comfort. Well before midnight I already forgot that I had a friend who was still not home, because I was too busy being happy. He was the only one who ever does that to me. Before midnight struck, I was his just as he was mine.
During the past eight years since then, we've seen a lot and we've been through a lot. But just as that night, when we were too in love we forgot about "graduate muna tayo," I'm still his just as he is mine.
What I do remember is that one of my closest friends ran away from home, and the whole gang was worried. I am a bit in the "inner circle" of knowledge of the circumstances, so I guess I was more worried than most.
Now, when you're a high schooler, and a girl, most probably you're really needy: you need someone to talk to, you need someone to laugh with, you need someone to tell your problems to, you need someone to tell you his/her problems, and you need someone to talk to about your and everyone else's crush. Except for the last, I'm pretty much all that. But I don't have many "girl friends" like most girls; I find it irritating that a conversation isn't complete without mentioning her/their crushes. I mean, all of us have crushes. Talking about them with excited voices and enthusiastic eyes won't make the crushing mutual.
So most of my friends are boys, or other girls who also don't like being too girly. They're my closest friends and the best I had in high school. We also talk about our crushes, but in a different way I can't explain.
Anyway, that time I had this 'friend' whom I got to be very close with since around November of the previous year.
We were classmates on our freshman year; I didn't really notice him then. He (of course he's a he, I just explained in two paragraphs about my social circumstances back then) was, when we were in freshmen, one of the boys who were bordering on witty and irritating. To me, he was a kid (heard he was accelerated; I would've been, too, except that on my case the schools I went to were strict when it came to age requirements. Public schooler here.) and was still wrapped with the scent of childhood and not yet adolescence. So I didn't really pay attention. Besides, I don't think he pays me attention either. He has his clique, I got mine. Didn't know if he was as intelligent as I was... I don't think he likes reading books like I did... He doesn't seem to have any idea about Harry Potter... And dear me I just thought he was mostly obnoxious. Really, a child. Plus he always liked teasing me. I was near to punching him sometimes because I just didn't think we "clicked" in any way. Sometimes. And those sometimes were times when he was with his friends who also loved giving others the shit of the hour. Seriously, some boys just love pulling the hairs of others. [I'm starting to laugh now that I begin to remember.]
But I liked it when we were both (along with others) teasing other people. Also when we go to the "retail" store, when I would buy my daily dose of Crunch and Pepsi. And my half-day supply of polvoron. I get to have him "treat" me kinds of stuff. I guess he was rich. Obnoxious little rich fat kiddo. He was also good in magic, that game my sister taught me that was apparently a game of the school. If he was good in math, he'd be a total threat, and he'd be on my list of "Crush because they're good in math". If he knew how to play a musical instrument he'd be granted a seat on the top 5, maybe. But come on, he's just a kid.
When we were sophomores, we were on different sections. I, a slightly superior being, was sent to the second "highest" section, while he was somewhere else. If he weren't classmates with my close friend Jox the Almighty, I might not have known what section until the school became busy with preparations for Foundation Day. That year was somewhat unforgettable. As I have implied, we weren't really that close during freshman days, so I was a bit surprised how sad I became when we didn't talk for a long time. Of course, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault that I looked like their Physics/Chem teacher. And I hated that I did look like her. And I really wasn't in the mood for jokes when he repeatedly called me using her name. And I didn't talk to him even though it was not just him who teased me to my irritation - Jox the Almighty also did. And I'll let you in on a secret: I didn't intend not to talk to him; just wanted to tease him as well. Make it seem like he doesn't matter. That it doesn't matter if we no longer talked. I didn't have any idea of whether we shared some deep bond. I underestimated those annoying little things he does.
I didn't immediately admit to myself that it was getting sadder and sadder. There were times when I would see him without his bunch of friends. Our eyes would meet for a few seconds, as if daring each other to call each other out, knowing it's what we really wanted to do (at least, maybe for me). Well that proud beast wouldn't do so, so I kept on walking. And whenever I met him and he was with his boy friends - oh how it annoyed me, that smile of his shouting out "utot sino ka?" G-R-R.
How did we become friends again? Thanks to his friend and my then new friend (I wasn't really in the mood that year to make friends besides with the people I get to be with everyday a.k.a. my classmates) Bulen. Apparently he "urged" him to talk with me already. In all honesty I really felt relief from my head to toe when he did. I was even close to crying. Good thing everyone was busy going home and I think they were about to go to some computer shop so it was limited to "Hello Michaelle" and "Hi Horhe". To seal our newly rebuilt friendship, I helped him and Jox the Almighty check some papers on some achievement test of some school where I seldom put any check marks on any paper. Dunno if I was just being brainwashed, but he sure was some lazy obnoxious rich kid. No longer fat, and he was gaining on my height. The bastard.
A year or two later, I found out he only talked to me because he and Bulen placed a bet on whether he could actually talk to me or not. THE BASTARD.
On our third year, we were again on different sections. But I was in the same section as his crush, and of course he needed my help. Balls. But I was kind of happy to know we were far from not talking for a long time. Was even a time when we were both outside reading (studying?) our history textbook (there was only one teacher for World History for all the sections). My class president saw us and teased that we might end up together. Oh, the irony; the metaphor. Reading world history, and being teased that.
Anyway, after some months he already had a girlfriend (who was kind of an exception to my "I-only-make-friends-with-classmates-because-I'm-afraid-of-others" friendship rule; we were a bit close back in freshman days but she wasn't my classmate) from his section. After some time, they broke up, and he was alone.
I didn't immediately see that he was in that "need someone" stage of high school life. When I did recognize the symptoms, I was afraid at first. I didn't give in. Why? It's a different "need someone" stage. I didn't think I was that someone for him, and I don't think he'd be that someone for me. I needed someone else is what I thought. I explained that to him; at first he insisted but we came up with a common ground we could both step on comfortably (at least, for me; that ground is now commonly known as the friend zone).
By this time that year, now eight years ago, we were almost floating away from the friend zone. I was needing someone that could be more than just a friend. And I wanted it, too. He made me want it. The loving bastard. All those talks that started small now extended to whenever we could, even during classes. The alert on my phone became an alarm for my heart to beat faster. I looked forward to the events of the day because I would have something to tell him. I waited everytime to hear if he was not being okay again. My heart smiled whenever he would say that he's okay as long as I stay. I felt needed, and I felt that it was my job to make sure I was there for him. That's why I needed him, too.
Especially exactly eight years ago, when this close friend of mine ran away. I was in a good mix of negative emotions then. I was surprised that someone could actually run away from home, and that it was my friend who could. I was afraid to know what would happen to him, and to know what might actually be happening to him while he's not yet found. It was Monday the next day and my friends would be asking, and I was one of the few who knew... more. I was really distracted the whole day that by night time I was emotionally exhausted.
He listened to me (read my texts, actually) the whole time and I received comfort. Well before midnight I already forgot that I had a friend who was still not home, because I was too busy being happy. He was the only one who ever does that to me. Before midnight struck, I was his just as he was mine.
During the past eight years since then, we've seen a lot and we've been through a lot. But just as that night, when we were too in love we forgot about "graduate muna tayo," I'm still his just as he is mine.
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