senselessness...


you're right, it would be senseless na nakipagbreak ako tapos mkkpgbalikan din naman ako... kaya nga eh...

pero what i was implying then... ok lng skn mwlan ng sense lhat ng gngwa ko...


pero since that's it... prang cnb m nrn n wg nlng... kya... i dunno... bka wg nlng... pero ayoko n kita mkta kng gnun lng dn... ndi dhl galit ako, pero magagalit ako kng mkkta ko n prang wla lng dn nmn pla... hahaha

what the fuck...


dko alam kng may english 12... kng meron man, tapos nun last time meron din, may 2 absences nko.. weeeeeeeeee


shet bka maulit ung ngyari ng second year... haha nun... er... aftermath nmen ni luis... hahaha xD weee... hay...

sorry julie pero mgppkmatay ako...

we, i mean i, broke up with him.

i don't know what i'm feeling.


it's like i should be happy, i try to be happy, but i am not happy.

pero ok lang yan...


i won't say i'll get used to it. i won't.


pero pag nakita ko na siya eh ganun, kahit pa sabi ni Jelo eh mapagpanggap mga lalaki, i don't care. haha i won't talk, whatever, to him. i won't even think about him. i'll kill myself, really. haha it's not hard to do pag ganun.


to think, masaya naman sya.

whatever he says.

and i'm not.

i
am
NOT.

my plea

it's raining...




i don't hate the rain. in fact, i really love the rain. i don't get sick because of the rain, really, although some times before, my mother had said that the cause of my fever was because i went out on the rain. no, really, i get sick when i am so tired.

but i can't help feeling lonesome when it rains... it's just, the clouds aren't happy-looking... but still, i prefer rain rather than sunny days... RAIN, i say, not storms or floods... it's just, when it rains there's still light, right? and like, when it's sunny there's just sooo much heat... and i get so damn tired when it's hot, and especially when i'm hungry.

and it's just... soothing... to here raindrops hitting the roof... it's like the sky is singing for everyone to hear...

and i think it's near... i don't even know if i myself can take it...


you know, it doesn't mean that when you're the one breaking up, you're happy about it. you're happy about being free. i mean, cmon, how could you say that? not everyone who breaks up breaks up because he/she doesn't love the other anymore. it's stupid. i mean, like me, it's like, i want to think things over... haha it's been almost a year since i first made this attempt, and ever since it hasn't stopped...

at times i would promise that i won't ever break up again... but then, nothing's changed, really... it'd just be fine after the attempted break-up, for about, two-three weeks... then a quarrel would surface, and stupid attitudes (on both sides) would re-surface, and it's like... grr...

anyway, it's that. i'm not breaking up with you because i don't love you anymore. i never stop loving anyone whenever i started loving them. haha but, i mean, you'll always be on top. i mean, next to God, that is... even if it is 'Z' which is the first letter of the alphabet, or if day was actually night, i don't think i would love someone else more than i Love you...

and i really hope that you really wouldn't love somebody else... you know... i just need (i don't want) to be alone for a while. and i think you too, you need to be alone... let's think all of this over... please?

i Love you...
and i miss you... but you said sobra nmn ako kung mangulila... so i'll try not to miss you while we're away, db? pra ndi nko sobra mangulila pg mgkhiwalay tayo... hehe galing m kc ndi k n gnun...

galing mo kasi...

spider pig

yes, i'm trying my best to regain the life i so previously had before committing myself to him.

as long as i have funds, and someone's willing to treat me the transpo or even just to help me cope, game ako!!!

i just feel that as long as i have someone with me at the time, i won't think about him. i don't need him to be with me. yes, i just need someone ELSE to be with me - friends, or foes - as long as not him and as long as we won't talk about him. yes and maybe that'll help me de-attach myself from him. the one mistake that i made, really, was to allow myself to be attached to this person, who wasn't at all that hard to remove his attachment from me!!! haha shit.

anyway, i'm trying to enjoy my life, although things really aren't gonna be the way they were before. i thought i'd be happier with him. i thought i was doing the right thing (well, it's not really wrong, but the other would have been better) and something right's gonna show up, but we continued to go down the slope. anyway, i don't want to say any more because all i can think of are the things that disappoint me rather a lot about him. and i've mentioned the major ones on my previous post.

D2 is so great. i had fun with you guys. i'm sorry about the ms. bacbacan, it's really... let's forget about that also. anyway, august 20 ok? we're thinking pa where we're gonna go... and i hope i'll have enough savings for that! hehe

Linnae, we're gonna meet on tuesday ok? DM's gonna come from ateneo to upd and meet with gidget and the rest of the upd ppol, then we'll go nlng to upm. but i really hope na one time upd ppol nmn ang pupuntahan nio. it's quite hard kc n kme lng un gumagastos pra mkta kau, dpat kau rn gumastos pra mkta kme! haha whatever mykel. anyway ngaun kc wla pko pera so most likely nyan sa tuesday ay makiki-hitch nlng ako. i hope gelo's gonna come so he could fetch us nlng from his class tpos we'll go straight to upm. haha i miss gelo tlga. and i wanna hear what DM's gna say ngaung may license n c gelo at ndi xa tga ateneo. haha joke lng DM! i hope you won't go bitching the get-together.

anyway i'll dedicate tomorrow to reviewing for kas1 exams on monday. then monday afternoons for philo11 exams on tuesday. on wednesday and/or thursday, since there's no get-together nmn for lawrence, i'll review nlng for eng12...haha good luck, really.

and i think i changed my mind. i might not drop scrabble anymore. but i am really getting bored with all the usual stuff we do. it's like, i haven't learned anything yet, and i'm wasting two hours of my saturdays for this thing.

i really hope i'll still be able to retrieve what i have lost. i Love Jorge so much but i don't think we're getting anywhere near happiness. really, i'm tired of telling myself that we would get there soon. it's okay if there were some improvements, but there was none. also i always get the feeling that there's something i miss (as in hindi nalalaman). and i've said na nakaka-spot ako ng gnun. and it's disappointing coz i tell him everything i think about everything. but that's over na. i'm really tired, even of crying, even of feeling so miserable. he wouldn't understand me naman eh, so it's so useless. and besides he always thinks naman na siya yung inaapi or dehado or whatever. i wonder nga why we are still nearing our 17th month eh. i still don't know if i'll break up with him, coz i'm still hoping na may maisip akong way to save us... kasi i really can't easily let go of him... kahit pa galit ako sa kanya ngayon, i still love him... he's been everything to me...my only one...at ang masakit tlga was when he said na sumama na lang muna ko sa iba...after all the efforts i've exerted para matanggal yung attachment ko sa ibang tao, un ang sasabihin niya... sakit db?

anyway, i wna join the freshman math quiz. they've changed pala the theme. haha anyways i'll try my best kahit 5th lang, Php1000 din un eh. grabe pero my goal is the Php6000 na prize sa first placer. hahaha haaay...

God bless us all...

you're so disappointing, Jorge.



i Love starfishes. xD

and guys with glasses!!! whoooooooh!

nat walang laglagan ha.

yeah, i changed my layout... it's quite, livelier, isn't it?

anyway, i've finished reading the e-book. i don't really want to discuss it yet, as it is too early...maybe i'll dedicate a post for deathly hallows after i've read my own tangible copy, not just the e-book... but really, i cannot yet absorb the fact that it's finished, there'd be no more "Harry Potter and the ---whatever" that i'll be waiting... no more speculations about the characters, except what happened to them, for it was only harry ginny hermione ron and neville's lives that were clear. no, really, it was only neville. i don't know if harry became an auror, or just someone there, the boy who lived, and it really pains me...

it adds up to the depression i'm feeling about my own problems...

as you may all know, we're really poor. and i really hate it, it's like people come up with many things that i should pay. also, i really get easily hungry...but not on meal times, no, really, i feel more sleepy than hungry...

and there's this bacbacan. grr i want to stay home.

and i'm dropping scrabble.

and i feel so... i dunno... miserable... lonely...


i do not want to list down all the thing's i've done for my life, but my life isn't really just easy to understand...

you see, if you don't know, really, i've changed a lot since i had my life. i'm always at a dilemma, more than when i was in second year. i really can't understand what or how i feel... nor how i could solve this... argh! how do i start this...

yeah, it started when my life said that... stupid thing, really, and i chose my life of course... and he wanted every moment we could spend, we spend it together... every chance we got... and if we could make a chance, we'd make it... at first it was hard, leaving those that once were your life until this new life came... and even if it was just a little moment that he saw i was with them, i could see from his eyes, and face, what he felt, what he was most likely thinking... i should, i could be, with him that time, but i was there having the fun of my life... well, i should have told him, not really, because i saw you... i don't know if he ever noticed that i chose him, everytime i leave them for him... he might be thinking that i really didn't choose him, that it were all but some stupid means to stop him from bringing over that topic again... but i don't know...

and now... has been many times... i felt deranged... stupefied... he said that himself, that we would get every chance we could, and we would make chances, so that we could be together... haha and i thought i couldn't do it, that i'd be easily attached to the new people around me, that i would easily adapt... oh yeah, dumbledore's grown in me... i easily make mistakes, overseeing flaws... i myself was the one who could not sustain not being with him now, and yes, yes, if you would know how i really feel... but you only see what you see... and when i look at you, you say that i don't have trust in you, in us, really...

you tell me those things... and say others... i hear them, and i feel what you say... i've been depressed thinking about all the things you told me, all the things that i know i have contributed the mistake... and yet i can't help but thinking that it's not only me... yes, a part of me says that... think it's pride? yes, but not only pride... i can still differ you from me, my dear... if you can't see, you have been doing recently what you have not wanted me doing a dozen months ago... and i thought you would have known, would have understood, because you have felt that before...

and what did my life say? "sumama ka na lang muna sa iba.."

yes, can't help the memories when they really want to come back... and when i told him bakit hindi ka sumama sa iba? hindi naman pwedeng tayo na lang lagi magkasama... my life told me that he doesn't and won't want to be with somebody else... tell me, isn't that thoughtful? he just wants to be with me... nobody else...

and i have lived with that... i have already adapted to this thing... and stupid me, i just realized it now... i don't want to be with anyone else now... yes, yes... but it's not... and he said sumama na lang ako sa iba... with whom? with these people? no, not really... i have once found people who accepted me, whoever i am, whatever kind of personality i have... and i left them, i left them for my life, and my life is now taking it's toll on me...

and it's really hard to comprehend everything... i have restricted myself from looking at anybody else, from having some other feeling, even just admiration... and yet... and yet...

and with all the things i suddenly found... that, i am afraid, would be mine alone to think about now... because it was like when harry went inside snape's thoughts on book5...

i don't really know... it's like i'm left in a world of darkness... half i have put on myself... half, i dunno...

and it's like no one's helping me... and i sought for help and they...

i don't know...
i don't think i want to end it...
i just think i wish i never said it...
and i don't want to give up...
i want to keep standing firm...
but it's hard when your knee was never strong from the start...

and he's not helping me, as far as i can see... baka sabihin, hindi ko pinapansin... no, futile attempts, and the wrong way of helping... it's like you ask help in learning a-b-c but he's teaching you 1-2-3...


and he never does what he wanted me to do. why? is it because you think i never did any of your bidding? look again. see what i have done to my life. see what damage i have done to it. and to myself. haven't i lost everything but you? for you?

i don't really think i want you to do something yet. i just want us to think these all over... don't just see, look... going there is different from getting there...