my wounds cry for the grave

my soul cries for deliverance...


i don't know now what to do.. i'm really problematic... we have no more money... i don't think i can even attend the junior-senior promenade... i don't much care... i might miss a quarter of my life because of that... maybe things really would end up that way... and my life was really made to be miserable like my mom's... sometimes i think that a curse runs down in our bloodline.. like, whoever the second son or daughter will have a miserable life... haha whatta stupid idea, isn't it? i don't think God ever create lives for that reason... but, you know... my grandmother is the second in their family, and the first daughter, and she said she had a miserable life... my mother is also the second, and also the first daughter, and she said she had a miserable life... all of us are daughters, but i'm the second, and maybe i am stupid to think like this, but really, i'm so depressed i sometimes think of dying...


what more, my cast now has some cracks, and my mom learned that if this continues my leg would suffer. wow. i really think i am destined to suffer life. be happy at some points so as not to forget that i can be happy but i won't.


i am also thinking of not having any children anymore. first, i don't want to pass these kind of knees to them. second, i don't want anyone of them to suffer. third, i don't think i could live at the end of ten years. last, i don't want him to suffer. let me suffer alone, even if i don't like it. let me see what others don't see, because closing my eyes won't change anything; i could still see them. let me feel the pain but don't let anyone else do, even if they say they'd always be my side. no, i am alone now. they want to share the feeling but they'll never know how i feel. i don't know the purpose why i had to live. i don't know where i get hope. i don't know. i don't really see a happy future for me.


i've been crying a lot, for a lot of reasons. i'm tired. i want to sleep. i want to face these problems but i don't want to be this weak. i want to have a break but they really don't want me to. i want to be free. i want to know how long and how much else i will suffer, so that i won't be impatient. i don't know what to do. i don't know who else i should ask for help. trust in God. yes. i wish i was happy despite all these. not just smiling; i don't need to smile to be happy. i smile when i'm not happy. i say i'm alright because i don't know if i am really alright. i cry because i don't think i'll be able to surpass all these, and i'm sorry. i hope God will forgive me for being such a weakling. but i hope He will help me. i'm so tired and i cannot take it anymore.


and then...
i'm always left alone when i don't want to be...
but when i want to be alone, they won't leave me...
the hell kind of life this is...
and then...
i really don't think that trust is there...
i trust just God, and i wish He is the only one with me right now...
or maybe i hope that i could feel His help through someone...