As I mentioned, there are things which I try my best to pretend I have no care for.
Like that sketchbook I want to hack into pieces whenever it's within my eyesight.
And what's so cute with panda's? They were cute only until December fucking 2011.
Fucking ghost stories. Don't you ever tell ME one. I have stopped appreciating them al-fucking-together.
I don't like going to mass at 6pm. There are other earlier masses I could attend, and better comprehend. I don't appreciate the thought that one 6 months, this was a special hour every week for some people.
I hate singing. I don't like singing. My singing amounts to zero. Or maybe, even lower. So, yeah, fuck my singing. Let's listen to other people do their singing. It's such a waste of time to be singing when you know you can never be at par with anyone else.
Fucking coke. I had to treat you coke numerous times for you to remember I still exist within 3 meters sometimes.
Romance comedies? Nicholas Sparks movies? Could've loved them but no, thank you.
Speaking of movies, we all know how genius of a director Christopher Nolan is. But yeah, I have this reservation for Inception. I don't wanna go through how amazing all the scenes were and knowing I watched them with something else nagging my mind - dark movie house with skins so close...
Nor do I have as much love for Calculus as I did back in high school. I really lost like 95% interest in that. And I hate seeing TC7.
I also don't like having drafts in my phone. I am very much traumatized by that, thank you very much.
The rain that used to make me smile, now makes me smile in a wee bit of a sad way. No, I'd rather not recall those times when I stayed outside, kidding myself that someone would come out... No.
I also stopped liking Sampaguita, for some reason. Ha ha ha
I might have also refrained from liking performing in a choir altogether.
I don't like walking on sidewalks anymore.
I might end up stopping reading a book, just because. I used to love reading because of thinking "maybe I could write something like this, too" but now I guess that my writing also amounts to nothing. So, that's like 25% of my self-esteem gone with the wind.
I've come to hate, or dislike, a lot of things. Over some three/four years. The DARK AGES, if you will. But of course, it amounts to nothing, again; nothing compared to those dark days of yours.
I just hope that before you bring it all up, maybe you could also think of HOW I FELT when you were the one wondering off. Oh, yeah. I forgot. You knew nothing of that. You didn't care. Everyone saw how I am so buried in the past, but you didn't. To the point of calling me pathetic to my face, if you recall those times.
So here's me, asking you to fucking stop and think and consider. I have made all of the people who made me feel these things - all this pretentious, bitter dislikes and hatred - friends. For the sake of accepting you and what you are and all you have been, and probably all you will ever be.
So here's me, asking you to think and consider all those as of being me in the past, which you are bound to accept. For every time I think that I hate that sketchbook, or those pandas in China, or that Manila Manila song, I stop myself and tell myself that there's no more fucking reason for the bitterness and the hatred.
Or is it too much?
19.6.14
30.3.14
Random Thoughts
My visits to Manila last week brought about a lot of memories. They also made me think, if I could talk to my self ten years ago, would I tell about my life now? How would I react if I said I'm married to that kid?
19.3.14
'Friend'
I can't remember vividly everything that happened eight years ago today; only that few minutes before midnight. I guess I suck at remembering everything, huh.
What I do remember is that one of my closest friends ran away from home, and the whole gang was worried. I am a bit in the "inner circle" of knowledge of the circumstances, so I guess I was more worried than most.
Now, when you're a high schooler, and a girl, most probably you're really needy: you need someone to talk to, you need someone to laugh with, you need someone to tell your problems to, you need someone to tell you his/her problems, and you need someone to talk to about your and everyone else's crush. Except for the last, I'm pretty much all that. But I don't have many "girl friends" like most girls; I find it irritating that a conversation isn't complete without mentioning her/their crushes. I mean, all of us have crushes. Talking about them with excited voices and enthusiastic eyes won't make the crushing mutual.
So most of my friends are boys, or other girls who also don't like being too girly. They're my closest friends and the best I had in high school. We also talk about our crushes, but in a different way I can't explain.
Anyway, that time I had this 'friend' whom I got to be very close with since around November of the previous year.
We were classmates on our freshman year; I didn't really notice him then. He (of course he's a he, I just explained in two paragraphs about my social circumstances back then) was, when we were in freshmen, one of the boys who were bordering on witty and irritating. To me, he was a kid (heard he was accelerated; I would've been, too, except that on my case the schools I went to were strict when it came to age requirements. Public schooler here.) and was still wrapped with the scent of childhood and not yet adolescence. So I didn't really pay attention. Besides, I don't think he pays me attention either. He has his clique, I got mine. Didn't know if he was as intelligent as I was... I don't think he likes reading books like I did... He doesn't seem to have any idea about Harry Potter... And dear me I just thought he was mostly obnoxious. Really, a child. Plus he always liked teasing me. I was near to punching him sometimes because I just didn't think we "clicked" in any way. Sometimes. And those sometimes were times when he was with his friends who also loved giving others the shit of the hour. Seriously, some boys just love pulling the hairs of others. [I'm starting to laugh now that I begin to remember.]
But I liked it when we were both (along with others) teasing other people. Also when we go to the "retail" store, when I would buy my daily dose of Crunch and Pepsi. And my half-day supply of polvoron. I get to have him "treat" me kinds of stuff. I guess he was rich. Obnoxious little rich fat kiddo. He was also good in magic, that game my sister taught me that was apparently a game of the school. If he was good in math, he'd be a total threat, and he'd be on my list of "Crush because they're good in math". If he knew how to play a musical instrument he'd be granted a seat on the top 5, maybe. But come on, he's just a kid.
When we were sophomores, we were on different sections. I, a slightly superior being, was sent to the second "highest" section, while he was somewhere else. If he weren't classmates with my close friend Jox the Almighty, I might not have known what section until the school became busy with preparations for Foundation Day. That year was somewhat unforgettable. As I have implied, we weren't really that close during freshman days, so I was a bit surprised how sad I became when we didn't talk for a long time. Of course, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault that I looked like their Physics/Chem teacher. And I hated that I did look like her. And I really wasn't in the mood for jokes when he repeatedly called me using her name. And I didn't talk to him even though it was not just him who teased me to my irritation - Jox the Almighty also did. And I'll let you in on a secret: I didn't intend not to talk to him; just wanted to tease him as well. Make it seem like he doesn't matter. That it doesn't matter if we no longer talked. I didn't have any idea of whether we shared some deep bond. I underestimated those annoying little things he does.
I didn't immediately admit to myself that it was getting sadder and sadder. There were times when I would see him without his bunch of friends. Our eyes would meet for a few seconds, as if daring each other to call each other out, knowing it's what we really wanted to do (at least, maybe for me). Well that proud beast wouldn't do so, so I kept on walking. And whenever I met him and he was with his boy friends - oh how it annoyed me, that smile of his shouting out "utot sino ka?" G-R-R.
How did we become friends again? Thanks to his friend and my then new friend (I wasn't really in the mood that year to make friends besides with the people I get to be with everyday a.k.a. my classmates) Bulen. Apparently he "urged" him to talk with me already. In all honesty I really felt relief from my head to toe when he did. I was even close to crying. Good thing everyone was busy going home and I think they were about to go to some computer shop so it was limited to "Hello Michaelle" and "Hi Horhe". To seal our newly rebuilt friendship, I helped him and Jox the Almighty check some papers on some achievement test of some school where I seldom put any check marks on any paper. Dunno if I was just being brainwashed, but he sure was some lazy obnoxious rich kid. No longer fat, and he was gaining on my height. The bastard.
A year or two later, I found out he only talked to me because he and Bulen placed a bet on whether he could actually talk to me or not. THE BASTARD.
On our third year, we were again on different sections. But I was in the same section as his crush, and of course he needed my help. Balls. But I was kind of happy to know we were far from not talking for a long time. Was even a time when we were both outside reading (studying?) our history textbook (there was only one teacher for World History for all the sections). My class president saw us and teased that we might end up together. Oh, the irony; the metaphor. Reading world history, and being teased that.
Anyway, after some months he already had a girlfriend (who was kind of an exception to my "I-only-make-friends-with-classmates-because-I'm-afraid-of-others" friendship rule; we were a bit close back in freshman days but she wasn't my classmate) from his section. After some time, they broke up, and he was alone.
I didn't immediately see that he was in that "need someone" stage of high school life. When I did recognize the symptoms, I was afraid at first. I didn't give in. Why? It's a different "need someone" stage. I didn't think I was that someone for him, and I don't think he'd be that someone for me. I needed someone else is what I thought. I explained that to him; at first he insisted but we came up with a common ground we could both step on comfortably (at least, for me; that ground is now commonly known as the friend zone).
By this time that year, now eight years ago, we were almost floating away from the friend zone. I was needing someone that could be more than just a friend. And I wanted it, too. He made me want it. The loving bastard. All those talks that started small now extended to whenever we could, even during classes. The alert on my phone became an alarm for my heart to beat faster. I looked forward to the events of the day because I would have something to tell him. I waited everytime to hear if he was not being okay again. My heart smiled whenever he would say that he's okay as long as I stay. I felt needed, and I felt that it was my job to make sure I was there for him. That's why I needed him, too.
Especially exactly eight years ago, when this close friend of mine ran away. I was in a good mix of negative emotions then. I was surprised that someone could actually run away from home, and that it was my friend who could. I was afraid to know what would happen to him, and to know what might actually be happening to him while he's not yet found. It was Monday the next day and my friends would be asking, and I was one of the few who knew... more. I was really distracted the whole day that by night time I was emotionally exhausted.
He listened to me (read my texts, actually) the whole time and I received comfort. Well before midnight I already forgot that I had a friend who was still not home, because I was too busy being happy. He was the only one who ever does that to me. Before midnight struck, I was his just as he was mine.
During the past eight years since then, we've seen a lot and we've been through a lot. But just as that night, when we were too in love we forgot about "graduate muna tayo," I'm still his just as he is mine.
What I do remember is that one of my closest friends ran away from home, and the whole gang was worried. I am a bit in the "inner circle" of knowledge of the circumstances, so I guess I was more worried than most.
Now, when you're a high schooler, and a girl, most probably you're really needy: you need someone to talk to, you need someone to laugh with, you need someone to tell your problems to, you need someone to tell you his/her problems, and you need someone to talk to about your and everyone else's crush. Except for the last, I'm pretty much all that. But I don't have many "girl friends" like most girls; I find it irritating that a conversation isn't complete without mentioning her/their crushes. I mean, all of us have crushes. Talking about them with excited voices and enthusiastic eyes won't make the crushing mutual.
So most of my friends are boys, or other girls who also don't like being too girly. They're my closest friends and the best I had in high school. We also talk about our crushes, but in a different way I can't explain.
Anyway, that time I had this 'friend' whom I got to be very close with since around November of the previous year.
We were classmates on our freshman year; I didn't really notice him then. He (of course he's a he, I just explained in two paragraphs about my social circumstances back then) was, when we were in freshmen, one of the boys who were bordering on witty and irritating. To me, he was a kid (heard he was accelerated; I would've been, too, except that on my case the schools I went to were strict when it came to age requirements. Public schooler here.) and was still wrapped with the scent of childhood and not yet adolescence. So I didn't really pay attention. Besides, I don't think he pays me attention either. He has his clique, I got mine. Didn't know if he was as intelligent as I was... I don't think he likes reading books like I did... He doesn't seem to have any idea about Harry Potter... And dear me I just thought he was mostly obnoxious. Really, a child. Plus he always liked teasing me. I was near to punching him sometimes because I just didn't think we "clicked" in any way. Sometimes. And those sometimes were times when he was with his friends who also loved giving others the shit of the hour. Seriously, some boys just love pulling the hairs of others. [I'm starting to laugh now that I begin to remember.]
But I liked it when we were both (along with others) teasing other people. Also when we go to the "retail" store, when I would buy my daily dose of Crunch and Pepsi. And my half-day supply of polvoron. I get to have him "treat" me kinds of stuff. I guess he was rich. Obnoxious little rich fat kiddo. He was also good in magic, that game my sister taught me that was apparently a game of the school. If he was good in math, he'd be a total threat, and he'd be on my list of "Crush because they're good in math". If he knew how to play a musical instrument he'd be granted a seat on the top 5, maybe. But come on, he's just a kid.
When we were sophomores, we were on different sections. I, a slightly superior being, was sent to the second "highest" section, while he was somewhere else. If he weren't classmates with my close friend Jox the Almighty, I might not have known what section until the school became busy with preparations for Foundation Day. That year was somewhat unforgettable. As I have implied, we weren't really that close during freshman days, so I was a bit surprised how sad I became when we didn't talk for a long time. Of course, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault that I looked like their Physics/Chem teacher. And I hated that I did look like her. And I really wasn't in the mood for jokes when he repeatedly called me using her name. And I didn't talk to him even though it was not just him who teased me to my irritation - Jox the Almighty also did. And I'll let you in on a secret: I didn't intend not to talk to him; just wanted to tease him as well. Make it seem like he doesn't matter. That it doesn't matter if we no longer talked. I didn't have any idea of whether we shared some deep bond. I underestimated those annoying little things he does.
I didn't immediately admit to myself that it was getting sadder and sadder. There were times when I would see him without his bunch of friends. Our eyes would meet for a few seconds, as if daring each other to call each other out, knowing it's what we really wanted to do (at least, maybe for me). Well that proud beast wouldn't do so, so I kept on walking. And whenever I met him and he was with his boy friends - oh how it annoyed me, that smile of his shouting out "utot sino ka?" G-R-R.
How did we become friends again? Thanks to his friend and my then new friend (I wasn't really in the mood that year to make friends besides with the people I get to be with everyday a.k.a. my classmates) Bulen. Apparently he "urged" him to talk with me already. In all honesty I really felt relief from my head to toe when he did. I was even close to crying. Good thing everyone was busy going home and I think they were about to go to some computer shop so it was limited to "Hello Michaelle" and "Hi Horhe". To seal our newly rebuilt friendship, I helped him and Jox the Almighty check some papers on some achievement test of some school where I seldom put any check marks on any paper. Dunno if I was just being brainwashed, but he sure was some lazy obnoxious rich kid. No longer fat, and he was gaining on my height. The bastard.
A year or two later, I found out he only talked to me because he and Bulen placed a bet on whether he could actually talk to me or not. THE BASTARD.
On our third year, we were again on different sections. But I was in the same section as his crush, and of course he needed my help. Balls. But I was kind of happy to know we were far from not talking for a long time. Was even a time when we were both outside reading (studying?) our history textbook (there was only one teacher for World History for all the sections). My class president saw us and teased that we might end up together. Oh, the irony; the metaphor. Reading world history, and being teased that.
Anyway, after some months he already had a girlfriend (who was kind of an exception to my "I-only-make-friends-with-classmates-because-I'm-afraid-of-others" friendship rule; we were a bit close back in freshman days but she wasn't my classmate) from his section. After some time, they broke up, and he was alone.
I didn't immediately see that he was in that "need someone" stage of high school life. When I did recognize the symptoms, I was afraid at first. I didn't give in. Why? It's a different "need someone" stage. I didn't think I was that someone for him, and I don't think he'd be that someone for me. I needed someone else is what I thought. I explained that to him; at first he insisted but we came up with a common ground we could both step on comfortably (at least, for me; that ground is now commonly known as the friend zone).
By this time that year, now eight years ago, we were almost floating away from the friend zone. I was needing someone that could be more than just a friend. And I wanted it, too. He made me want it. The loving bastard. All those talks that started small now extended to whenever we could, even during classes. The alert on my phone became an alarm for my heart to beat faster. I looked forward to the events of the day because I would have something to tell him. I waited everytime to hear if he was not being okay again. My heart smiled whenever he would say that he's okay as long as I stay. I felt needed, and I felt that it was my job to make sure I was there for him. That's why I needed him, too.
Especially exactly eight years ago, when this close friend of mine ran away. I was in a good mix of negative emotions then. I was surprised that someone could actually run away from home, and that it was my friend who could. I was afraid to know what would happen to him, and to know what might actually be happening to him while he's not yet found. It was Monday the next day and my friends would be asking, and I was one of the few who knew... more. I was really distracted the whole day that by night time I was emotionally exhausted.
He listened to me (read my texts, actually) the whole time and I received comfort. Well before midnight I already forgot that I had a friend who was still not home, because I was too busy being happy. He was the only one who ever does that to me. Before midnight struck, I was his just as he was mine.
During the past eight years since then, we've seen a lot and we've been through a lot. But just as that night, when we were too in love we forgot about "graduate muna tayo," I'm still his just as he is mine.
16.1.14
Confessions 1
I love kissing you when you're sleeping. I don't know what makes me want to kiss you..
Maybe it's the serenity of your face when you sleep.
Maybe it's the sound of your breathing.
Maybe it's because it would kinda be a secret, kissing you while you sleep. A secret I would keep until the morning, maybe.
Maybe it's knowing that even if you seem far away with whatever you're dreaming of, the reality is that you're in my arms, and when you break away from Dreamworld I'd be there.
Maybe it's knowing, too, that you're mine even when you're asleep.
Maybe it's the thrill - would saying "I love you" wake you up? Would hugging you wake you up? Yes or no, I'd still kiss you.
And if you do wake up, and kiss me, too - well, that's just... Euphoric.
Oh I really wish I could plant a kiss on your lips right now...
Maybe it's the serenity of your face when you sleep.
Maybe it's the sound of your breathing.
Maybe it's because it would kinda be a secret, kissing you while you sleep. A secret I would keep until the morning, maybe.
Maybe it's knowing that even if you seem far away with whatever you're dreaming of, the reality is that you're in my arms, and when you break away from Dreamworld I'd be there.
Maybe it's knowing, too, that you're mine even when you're asleep.
Maybe it's the thrill - would saying "I love you" wake you up? Would hugging you wake you up? Yes or no, I'd still kiss you.
And if you do wake up, and kiss me, too - well, that's just... Euphoric.
Oh I really wish I could plant a kiss on your lips right now...
18.11.13
Values 1
Ito yung isa sa mga pinakagusto kong maisabuhay.
Para sa akin, yung mga tinuturo sa atin kung paano mamuhay para mapalapit sa Panginoon ay hindi natin dapat gamitin para husgahan ang ibang tao kung makakapasok ba sila sa paraisong inilaan ng Diyos para sa atin.
Una sa lahat, hindi tayo ang itinakda upang maging Hukom ng mga nabubuhay.
Pangalawa, ang pinakamainam na magagawa natin ay ipagdasal sila, kung tingin talaga natin makasalanan sila. Huwag tayong pumukol kung tayo rin naman ay dapat mapukol.
Pangatlo, baka masyado tayong abala sa pagtingin sa iba, di na tayo nakakatingin sa salamin. At kung tingin natin sapat na yung ginagawa natin, baka naman pwedeng higitan pa natin yung "sapat na," di ba?
Para sa akin, yung mga tinuturo sa atin kung paano mamuhay para mapalapit sa Panginoon ay hindi natin dapat gamitin para husgahan ang ibang tao kung makakapasok ba sila sa paraisong inilaan ng Diyos para sa atin.
Una sa lahat, hindi tayo ang itinakda upang maging Hukom ng mga nabubuhay.
Pangalawa, ang pinakamainam na magagawa natin ay ipagdasal sila, kung tingin talaga natin makasalanan sila. Huwag tayong pumukol kung tayo rin naman ay dapat mapukol.
Pangatlo, baka masyado tayong abala sa pagtingin sa iba, di na tayo nakakatingin sa salamin. At kung tingin natin sapat na yung ginagawa natin, baka naman pwedeng higitan pa natin yung "sapat na," di ba?
8.3.13
Happiness
I am just happy to say that I have friends, and they are the kind that you don't easily find, but are easy to approach and will always be there even if you've gone together through rough times.
And they remain whatever changes there might have been between you.
I am blessed by the rain. I am kissed by the fire.
And they remain whatever changes there might have been between you.
I am blessed by the rain. I am kissed by the fire.
6.2.13
Pakikipag-usap sa Sarili I
Lahat ng ginagawa mo, walang patutunguhan.
Para sa'yo pa man o para sa kanya o para sa kanila o para sa inyong lahat.
Parang tubig sa ilog na magandang pagmasdan pero hindi mo maikukulong.
Kaya mong ngumiti, kaya mong humalakhak.
Kaya mong umasta na lasing at baliw at inaatake ng toyo at iilan lang ang makakapansin. Ang makakapansin kaya mong paniwalain.
Parang manghuhula sa Quiapo na naroon na dati pa at mahirap nang paalisin. Parating naroon, at parating may lalapit.
Wala kang karapatan. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Wala kang lugar at naglolokohan na lang kayo ng sarili mo. Hindi ka dapat masaktan. Hindi ka dapat umiyak. Hindi mo dapat isipin na may hahawak pa ng mga kamay mo at sasabihing "nandito lang ako para sa'yo."
Mag-isa ka lang, katulad nung mamang natutulog sa bangketa. Naglakad buong araw, umasang may patutunguhan na, pero pagsapit ng gabi, napagod at nahiga kung saan abutan ng pagod.
Sasabihin mo pa ba, "bukas maglalakad ulit ako," o tatanungin mo na kung may direksyon ang paglalakbay mo?
Para sa'yo pa man o para sa kanya o para sa kanila o para sa inyong lahat.
Parang tubig sa ilog na magandang pagmasdan pero hindi mo maikukulong.
Kaya mong ngumiti, kaya mong humalakhak.
Kaya mong umasta na lasing at baliw at inaatake ng toyo at iilan lang ang makakapansin. Ang makakapansin kaya mong paniwalain.
Parang manghuhula sa Quiapo na naroon na dati pa at mahirap nang paalisin. Parating naroon, at parating may lalapit.
Wala kang karapatan. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Wala kang lugar at naglolokohan na lang kayo ng sarili mo. Hindi ka dapat masaktan. Hindi ka dapat umiyak. Hindi mo dapat isipin na may hahawak pa ng mga kamay mo at sasabihing "nandito lang ako para sa'yo."
Mag-isa ka lang, katulad nung mamang natutulog sa bangketa. Naglakad buong araw, umasang may patutunguhan na, pero pagsapit ng gabi, napagod at nahiga kung saan abutan ng pagod.
Sasabihin mo pa ba, "bukas maglalakad ulit ako," o tatanungin mo na kung may direksyon ang paglalakbay mo?
1.1.13
Thank you 1
2012 has been... adventurous.
I really had a lot of time smiling and appreciating my life and the people around me. However, of course, there are shortcomings on my part. But that's all in the past now.
Past is past, they say, but let me just look back a bit and say my thanks.
Thank you to a lot of my friends, especially the old ones from high school and college, for involving me in adventures.
I've been very happy. Here's to more of them to come! And more sources for me to join you guys! Hahaha
Thank you to new friends, from one of the greatest blessing I received this year - working at Factset. I really love you guys. I feel so comfortable with you. I love that I am myself with you. Here's to a long relationship with the Production Support team! :)
Thank you to some people who have really challenged my patience. To you, Pretty Miss, you really tested me out there. Hopefully you will be quite out of my life now.
And of course, to my best friend. Yes, I just have to put your name. You knew it wouldn't be long. Hahaha though I doubt you'd read this very soon.
Thank you for a very wonderful year. Thank you for the new memories. Thank you for making me smile, laugh. Thank you for making me happy. The kind which I have not let out for a really long time. Thank you for bringing it out again.
Thank you for being the best friend that I have. I hope I could be the same for you. Baliw.
May God bless us all!
Hello 2013!
As a friend wished for me, "No more heartaches and heartbreaks for [me], please!"
Haha! :)
I really had a lot of time smiling and appreciating my life and the people around me. However, of course, there are shortcomings on my part. But that's all in the past now.
Past is past, they say, but let me just look back a bit and say my thanks.
Thank you to a lot of my friends, especially the old ones from high school and college, for involving me in adventures.
I've been very happy. Here's to more of them to come! And more sources for me to join you guys! Hahaha
Thank you to new friends, from one of the greatest blessing I received this year - working at Factset. I really love you guys. I feel so comfortable with you. I love that I am myself with you. Here's to a long relationship with the Production Support team! :)
Thank you to some people who have really challenged my patience. To you, Pretty Miss, you really tested me out there. Hopefully you will be quite out of my life now.
And of course, to my best friend. Yes, I just have to put your name. You knew it wouldn't be long. Hahaha though I doubt you'd read this very soon.
Thank you for a very wonderful year. Thank you for the new memories. Thank you for making me smile, laugh. Thank you for making me happy. The kind which I have not let out for a really long time. Thank you for bringing it out again.
Thank you for being the best friend that I have. I hope I could be the same for you. Baliw.
May God bless us all!
Hello 2013!
As a friend wished for me, "No more heartaches and heartbreaks for [me], please!"
Haha! :)
1.12.12
A Glass
This is probably how it feels when you cut your throat with a knife.
I set down the glass and looked around me. My sight would linger on some object or person, but it would take a while before I distinguish which of the two am I looking at.
My head felt so heavy, it must be full of water or whatever I was drinking. My eyelids were heavier, but I knew my eyes were open. I couldn't remember how long I have been sitting and drinking that one glass, but I felt that I should get back to my friends.
I started getting out of my seat to look for them, but I closed my eyes and thought of what direction I must head to. The room was full of people by now.
I got up, and the last thing I remember was falling down.
I set down the glass and looked around me. My sight would linger on some object or person, but it would take a while before I distinguish which of the two am I looking at.
My head felt so heavy, it must be full of water or whatever I was drinking. My eyelids were heavier, but I knew my eyes were open. I couldn't remember how long I have been sitting and drinking that one glass, but I felt that I should get back to my friends.
I started getting out of my seat to look for them, but I closed my eyes and thought of what direction I must head to. The room was full of people by now.
I got up, and the last thing I remember was falling down.
6.11.12
Haaay.
I feel so down again..
Here I am again, wishing that I've done everything right..
I feel that, though I have someone, I'm alone.
I'm the only one who can set this right.
Others have problems, too.
I've given so many people so many problems already. I don't need to add more to the list, right?
But I also want to help them..
But I feel like I also need some help, but I don't know in what form..
Which makes me really happy and blessed, because I have Jorge. And I don't have to hesitate talking to him and telling him how I feel. I mean, of course I should still hesitate because he has other things in mind, but at least he's there to listen and comfort me, and that's more than enough. And it reminds me that God will not abandon me.
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